Drinking water out of a wine glass and writing one liners on my computer screen that appear profound ONLY in my mind, has me out here feeling like Carrie Bradshaw. This is not New York and I have a whole almost two year old and Nigerian husband of a man to unglamourise that fantasy. Lol. Ladies and gentlefriends I committed to myself this September, as its birthday month, to regale you with daily blog posts. It is now September 4^th, Bey day for the interested and idle, and I have not even written a decimal point. Bruh.

*Maya Angelou voice* Still, I rise.

One of my favourite proverbs is this Igbo saying, “Whenever you wake up, that is your morning”. I woke up on day 4 and said, ‘Good Morning!’

Now, I’m not sure if anyone still reads but I’ve always written out of compulsion: A driving need for catharsis, to purge myself of the cluttering thoughts in my head. But, I’m forcing myself to keep writing even when I don’t feel like it and today I really don’t. I slept badly and had a series of nightmares, so I don’t feel up to it at the moment. But, September is Death to Feelings month. It is always so dangerous allowing your feelings drive your commitment because there is nothing as flimsy as a feeling. Think about it, you might be seriously down one moment, and someone brings a glazed donut or something you like and in a second your mood is lifted, however marginally or materially! So how can you trust something as fickle as that?!

So, I write.

At this point, I’m just rambling but why stop now? LOL. I heard something in a sermon I was listening to recently. It’s by this pastor Michael Todd of Transformation church in Tulsa, Okhlahoma. Lol yes, Tulsa of Chandler fame. It’s amazing what technology has empowered us to do! I have been listening to a lot of sermons actually. I’m trying to build my faith daily and walk closer and closer to God and just you know, just self-analyse and gain a deeper revelation of myself, purpose, God’s will you know? The simple things. Lol. So anyway this sermon, the preacher said why don’t you trust God but trust yourself, your choices, your decisions? You trust yourself implicitly, implacably…when your track record shows you really have no business trusting you. LOOOOL. Lemme be, pastor!!! You have gone your own way, made FOOLISH choices, put yourself in awkward positions, thrown away opportunities, burned bridges, ruined chances, in many ways you have no business putting your life in your hands, yet you will not let another lead. You will not let Him take over the boat, determined to reach your Titanic end by your willful, reckless, independent self.

“Why?”

I asked myself.

Credit: Unsplash @Tirza van Dijk