(Continued from the previous post, Money I)

The week I was getting married, my father sat me down for a talk. It was funny because I expected one from my mum, I guess she felt she’d done the best she could and left me to God. LOL! But, I could tell she’d put my dad up to ‘The Talk’ because she kept prompting him, even deliberately leaving the room that evening with a stink-eye reminder, “DO IT NOW, ZACO!”

So, my daddy sat me down with a solemn look…and told me two things.

1. I don’t think you should cheat on your husband. Ever.
2. Don’t make money something in your marriage. Money is nothing.

Simple and sweet.

The first point we’ll discuss later. Let’s get to the second, money. Money seems to be a repeated sour-spot for many marriages, so I understand my dad. The world has changed. We see more and more couples earning equally and often, women earning more or being the sole breadwinners. No dynamic is wrong for each family is dysfunctional in its own way. I’m talking about money and relationships at two separate points. I’ve spoken about money before marriage here, today I’m talking about money in marriage.

For me, a big reason money becomes an issue in marriage is because people often think the person who brings in the money wields the power. So, people think the man is the head of the home because he provides the money. Therefore, as soon as a man is unable to provide, the society worries that he will be disrespected and forced off his head-of-home throne. We believe because a man provides for the household or even earns substantially more than his financially contributing partner, he ought to direct the affairs of the home and assume that a woman that earns more will insist on wrestling for control.

I think both options are mad.

Yes, honestly.

We don’t use money to determine who will set the standards in our home because money is not a definer. Money does not tell us who we are. Why, because if you let yourselves be defined by money….who are you when it’s gone? Nobody? I think not. I think the hell not. There are roles and rules in a marriage and these are not necessarily gender specific but should be defined by our strengths and capacity. In my home we operate based on our strengths. So I take roles that come to me naturally because I am Wendy not because I am a woman, and Obi’m does the same. We both work full time but he for instance, is a better care-giver to our son. I don’t know if it is because he can operate with less sleep lol or because he is physically stronger and can rock our baby in his arms longer, or just because he’s more practical in his approach to Kaito than I am, but he is really good with Kaito. And that’s fine. That’s our dynamic. We play to our strengths.

The problem is we have brought the world’s measuring matrix into a covenant created by God. Marriage is not just a legal arrangement. Let me rephrase, a Christian marriage- because that’s all I know and can speak to- is not a legal arrangement or a creation of the state. It is a promise to your partner but a covenant with God to deal with this person who He has placed in your care, conscientiously and deliberately. In the world, whoever has money is the winner, the power wielder, the definer. That’s why you see that people that don’t know better will shut down a logical and legitimate argument with money, “Be quiet, the person you’re arguing with can buy you.” Err moot point. We were not discussing my value on the open market. In this world, money is the ultimate measure of power, success and in some societies,  money is even the measure of Christianity, of a relationship with God, it is the measure of a person’s value, virtue, goodness, a person’s intellect, a person’s integrity can even be measured by money! Let me “say it with my chest” as Nigerians speak, IN NIGERIA, if you have money you are a good person. Money is what we use to define everything wholesome, good and pure.

Money is power.

And we take this warped thinking into our marriages.

In a marriage the person with more money is not the definer of the relationship. The person with more money is not the winner, the power wielder, the ruler. Why? Because money is just a tool. Money is nothing but a messenger that helps us in achieving things we want AS A UNIT. So, in our home we pool our funds constantly because our goals are unified. If I want a new designer bag or my husband wants to take a course at an expensive college, then we plan with our combined funds how the family unit is going to help this family member achieve their goal, simple.

There’s a growing trend all over the world of women earning more than their spouses. I feel like we don’t realise but it’s a test. We think it’s our great reward for all the hardship suffered over the years ina patriarchal society. But remember that with great power comes great responsibility. Weird flex but let me explain. God knows we as women know what it is to be oppressed. Now the power is slowly shifting and, in some families, the power has fully shifted, and the ‘oppressors’ are at our feet. What do we do? Kick them when down, do what they did to us, trample on their necks and don’t let up? Or because we know what it is to not have opportunities, do we show empathy and kindness, reach out and help up? I feel like the tables have turned for a purpose. To teach men humility…and to teach women humility. It is very hard to be humble when you’re up. But, God gives hard tests.

I feel like this is a pivotal time in history, a critical time in many marriages. I believe that when you’re in a partnership, funds are given to help both parties equalize, not to leave one behind. I feel like whoever has the bigger share of the money pie is called to help the other party grow in their own individual purpose. Sometimes it might be through monetary support for their business. It might also be through exposure, guidance, moral support and backrubs after board meetings.   The idea is to simply be there for each other. That’s what you’re married for. Money makes us often think we are adversaries on different sides of a war. We are married, we are always on the same side. The issue is the enemy, not my spouse. If anything, we are compatriots battling a common enemy.

It is critical to understand that when it comes to money in a marriage, the focus should never be about equal contribution…but equal sacrifice. Jesus watched people at the temple giving their offerings. Several rich people gave out of abundance, but He said the person that gave in abundance, was the one who gave the least. Because, she gave everything she had. Don’t look at how much your spouse is contributing. Look at how much is left. Is he giving all he can? Is she doing all she can? Are they contributing the best they have? Before you judge, empathise.

If you missed out on everything else I’ve said, remember my dad’s words. Money is nothing, don’t make it something in your home.