One of the best things about being married, in my opinion, is midnight conversations. On some level my marriage has simply felt like two little kids playing house:

And at many times, like two BFFs having a sleep over, gossiping after lights out in whispers about everything from the state of the universe to my illogical urge for Mama-Put rice and beans *Chris Brown voice: “Please don’t judge me and I won’t judge you…’Cause it could get ugly…”* It was in one of these midnight sessions, last Saturday’s actually, that I asked Obi’m just as he was finally drifting off, “Has our marriage been what you expected?”

He didn’t even bother turning back to face me as he grumbled, “These your weird questions, how am I supposed to answer them?!” Lol, which I thought was a bit rich coming from him considering that this is a man who saw me detangling my short, natural hair and after staring at me for a full minute quietly inquired, “Wait, so this is ALL the hair you have? From birth until now?!” LMAO!! I wanted to knock his teeth out! Anyway, I’ve already told him that a big part of my agreeing to take his last name is because they have that luxuriant Igbo hair in his family. Ha!

Anyway, we proceeded to have a short discussion about our expectations and the reality of marriage, because dawn was almost upon us and to be fair, there wasn’t much to be said. I don’t think either of us really entered our marriage with expectations much different from what we had of the person we were dating. And I think that’s crucial. In a week or so, we’d have been married for 6 months. Which I guess in the grand scheme of things is not saying much but hey a milestone is a milestone y’all! And far more importantly, we are Nigerians, so any excuse for a celebration, n’est ce-pas? So 6 months in, what can I say I’ve realized about marriage and myself?

1. Marrying a Good Person is Critical

It’s interesting, this was always very high up on my list when I thought of the sort of person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. People often substitute a ‘good person’ with a ‘Christian’ or even someone that ‘…has the fear of God’. I think that’s dangerous. I am a connoisseur of perverted crime shows (yes, it’s an esteemed title really. Lol) and I lose count of the number of weirdos that have been depicted in shows from Criminal Minds to Born to Kill, with an absolutely terrifying fear of God often even using this as justification for heinous crimes. A person who considers God a fearsome, moral judge, will relate to humanity with judgmental, mercy-free eyes. That is a person who FEARS God. This is markedly different from a person who LOVES God.

A person who loves God, like David, might be incredibly flawed. In fact, on paper, might look like an absolute mess, but his saving grace will be a heart that is postured in humility, he/she is contrite, willing to repent and try again and again, is able to feel remorse for hurting someone. And just as important, he will be disciplined by the love he has for God to keep himself from causing harm. See Jabez. A translation of Jabez’s prayer in 1 Chronicles 4:10 says,

“Jabez called out to the God of Israel: “If only You would bless me, extend my border, let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm, so that I will not cause any pain.” 

That is a good person and marrying such a person is crucial to marital bliss. If you read me, you might remember that I wrote about my thoughts on the Tiwa and TBillz scandal when it occurred. Because the maliciousness and spite spewed by Tbillz shows me that he is not a good person. Anger is not a justification for pettiness. I said,

“While acknowledging that others warned her, Tiwa agrees that TeeBillz treated her differently from the way he treated others. And that’s the important thing. A man in love can treat everyone horribly, as might be his true nature, even while treating the woman he loves like a cross between a princess and a queen…The problem is one day in the history of your love, just maybe for one day, the love may shine a little duller…and for that moment, you’ll be treated like everyone else.

If you’re lucky.

For these sort of men, you’re often even treated worse. We should judge people by who they are…not merely by who they are to us.

 Because, we may not always hold that special key to their heart that entitles us to differential treatment.”

And that’s why marrying a good person is critical, because good people do not depend on YOUR actions or omissions to be who they are! They are good, good to you, good to others because that is their very nature. Simple. Marrying a good person makes marriage a lot easier because it eliminates a lot of the competition, maliciousness and selfishness that otherwise can come from two regular people living together in a closed space for long periods of time.

2. Pride

I remember before we started dating, when Obi’m was still trying his hand at wooing this gorgeous fairy princess (I mean me y’all! *Huffs at those who asked, “Who?”* Lol). Anyhoo, so back in the day I remember we were talking about dealing with break ups. I said, I’m not a crier. I told him how after being unceremoniously dumped, I told my boyfriend at the time, “I hope everything works out for you in future. Have a good life.” To which he  responded with a surprised, “That’s very gracious, thank you.” So I can be civilized and cold and can compartmentalize like a serial killer. And I proudly told Obi’m this. No hysterics from me, oh no! I said, me, I don’t beg or cry. Then he surprised me with his response.

Now let me put it in context for you. My husband is a 6’2, dark, broad, bear of a man *beams* Lol. The sort of man you expect and will find barking orders and commanding people, a real leader of men. The sort of Igbo man that in days of old, would have led his age-grade warriors to battle against neighbouring clans and merrily drank palm wine from the skull of enemies, that sort of thing. So a proud man, basically.  And my proud husband said to all 5’5, 52kg of defiant me rankling against begging and pleading for love, he said simply, “Wendy, there is no pride in love.”

“There is no pride in love.”

At least not in marriage. If you hold on to your pride, you will lose out on your relationship. Pride and relationships are both heavy weights and your puny hands are not strong enough to hold both at the same time without destroying one. I lose count of the number of times I have reached out first to Obi’m even when to me I certainly felt as though I had a right to be angry and to be begged for forgiveness. I reach out because it’s not about the issue, it’s not about me, it’s not about him, it is about a much bigger thing we are creating: Us. And every line, every precept, every precedent we create today lays the foundation for what our marriage will be tomorrow and the days ahead.

A good marriage is in our hands to create, thankfully, that is something we both acknowledge. I find that Obi’m reaches out as often as I do, in fact often I find that this totally weird thing happens when we fight: We call each other at the exact same time! Lol. It is the oddest thing. It seems like we telepathically concede defeat and reach out to each other to make amends at the same time.

Much more than that, I find that when one person reaches out, the other person is already half way on the journey to the other. One person says, I’m sorry I said this and the other person listens to why this person acted  like they did and also apologises for their part in causing the strife. We are ready to meet each other half way because it reflects our relationship as individuals with Jesus. What do I mean?

No matter how far we go from Him, when we decide to repent and turn back, we find that we don’t need to walk the entire gangplank to fall at His feet to beg for forgiveness. Jesus uses this parable of the prodigal son to show us God’s reaction when we return to Him seeking restoration:

“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.”- Luke 15:20

He, the injured party ran to the injurer and forgave him in spite of the fact that he (the runner, lol), was the one with the absolute right to exhibit a righteous and very understandable anger. Ladies and gentlegiants, that’s kind of what God expects from us when we commit ourselves before Him in marriage. Painful, but true. It is fundamental that we are willing, desperate even, to give our forgiveness at the earliest sign of remorse. It’s incredibly hard and so one of my most consistent prayers is this, “God please give us hearts that are desperate to forgive each other”. Because, I think it’s only God that softens the field of hearts to the point that they are willing to keep working and fighting together regardless of the challenge.

I’m not one of those people that advocate for women staying in marriages come what may as though marriage is this ultimate prize. But I think when both parties are willing to work through mistakes to reach a better end, it can be amazing.

It’s hard, incredibly hard. Because kai, a man can hurt you the kind of hurt that can PAIN YA SOHHHWWWWLLLL!! Lol, ladies am I right?! And I’m sure men would say the same thing because lawd, a woman can say something that can shred your self-esteem to minus 200 then cry and apologise after. Which brings me to my third point.

3. Understand your Power

First let’s acknowledge that we each have GREAT capacity to do incredible harm to each other. And that’s a power that as a husband or wife, you have to be really conscious of. It’s a huge responsibility to hold someone else’s heart cradled within your ribs, it’s not a duty God gives out lightly and it’s an obligation we must take most seriously. And this shows not only in how we act to each other but also in the way we speak to one another. Even as a joke, there are certain things we, by tacit agreement, determined from the time we were dating to never say to each other. And it’s not just insults or curses, it’s also things that show resignation or an unwillingness to fight for the cause at the slightest challenge, words like “I’m tired of this (relationship)”, can be really discouraging and hurtful to your partner who is still fighting to make things right. It’s really important to understand the power you hold and wield over your spouse, so you don’t abuse it but you harness it for their good, for your common good.

I honestly feel like marriage is a commitment to your significant other, but a promise to God. That’s why it’s not a sacrament we enter into lightly. I always wrongly thought of marriage as a covenant between you and your spouse, but it is actually a covenant between you and God. In my mind, it’s not even a three-way covenant, as sacrilegious as that sounds. To me, my marriage is a covenant, a promise between my God and I. it’s a similar covenant my husband has directly with God. So often when we choose to overlook each other’s faults or the hurts we have suffered from and for each other, we do so because we understand that the commitment is bigger than this man, this woman. The promise is to God Himself, directly. And that’s who we refuse to fail, because He deserves our best effort for supporting us with His best always.

I’ll conclude with this. An older colleague who listened to my radio show once told me he considered it inappropriate that I was giving marriage advice considering at the time I was still engaged to be married. And while there is a plethora of scripture I could have quoted for him beginning with this one:

“I thought, ‘Age should speak; advanced years should teach wisdom.’ 8But it is the spirit^b in a person, the breath of the Almighty, that gives them understanding. 9It is not only the old^c who are wise, not only the aged who understand what is right.”

Job 32:7-9

I told him I answered questions that the audience threw me based on my understanding of scripture and as I felt led by God.

I began this post by with saying that I have been married for only 6 months, so logically I have been single for a lot longer. Lol. And to be honest with you, my target audience is single people because I think the fundamental decisions on marriage are made BEFORE entry. The fundamental decisions to me, are 1) Who YOU are and 2) Who you marry. If you haven’t defined your identity for yourself, it is easy to marry the wrong one and have a difficult marriage. It is critical that we do not bow to the pervasive pressure, especially in a society like Nigeria that equates, or rather reduces, all our achievements to marriage solely. After all Paul spoke about keeping yourself single if possible because a single life, HONESTLY, can serve God in an exceptional and unique way and can be just as fulfilling. So singleness is a worthwhile and a righteous calling of its own. Singleness serves a purpose, so don’t waste it hunting for Mr. Right/Mrs. Right. I didn’t run to marriage as a shelter from single-hood. Sure there were tons of times I asked God, when will it be my turn?! In fact one day I told Anne “I don’t just understand God, I have told Him I have finished the objectives, I am ready for the essay part, when can I turn the page?!” Lol, she was just like “Wendy, abeg bye! LOL!”

I was tired of being tested, tired of being stagnant, waiting in the same position physically when emotionally I felt I was ready for the next stage. It can be frustrating, that is true. BUT, nothing in the journey of your life has been a waste and nothing should be wasted. Everything I built in my singleness has been fundamental in the success of the first 6 months of my marriage: Because, it has truly been a success. And I am thankful to God for honouring me with a man who has a heart that is after God because I always prayed for that.

Sure I waited on God’s timing but far far more importantly than the wait itself is what I did in my wait. What are you doing while you wait? I’ll leave you with two of my favourite quotes:

“Opportunity will come. But when it does, let it find you painting.”

-Pablo Picasso

“Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits.” (Everything comes to him who is busy even while expecting. That’s my version 😉 )

– Thomas Edison.