So before I wrote this post, the BFF Ant messaged me, “Day 5 is going to be interesting.”

And I said, “Day 5:  *Blank*, that is all you will see.” To her outburst of several deranged laughing emoticons. Because long distance friendship.

Day 5 of the Blogging Challenge is “Things You Want to Say to Your Ex.”

(If you can’t recognise this song, then it is entirely possible that you are too young to be on this here blawgg! Lol! #MyChune!!!)

Like every normal human being, my default position is to never let myself be put in a position of vulnerability. Especially not publicly. So the easiest thing is to tell you that I have absolutely nothing to say to my ex-boyfriend because so much time has passed… and dredging up or talking about old memories can make you appear vulnerable and perhaps hurt, even when you have moved on.

But I thought a little more and in all honesty, I realize that the real reason I have nothing to say is because I don’t actually remember the relationship itself with a lot of vividness. And this isn’t his fault. I believe we must have been very happy at some point, or we wouldn’t have been together. But our relationship ended on a sour note and most of those memories of breaking up and trying to salvage the dregs simply wiped out the earlier happy memories. So when I think on that relationship and my ex in particular, I really draw a blank. By the end of the relationship, he really was a stranger to me. Even when I see him now, I struggle to say anything, not because I harbour ill feelings but because what are you supposed to say to a stranger you don’t really know?

What is there to say?

Actually while I’m on this topic which I never really talk about, let me touch quickly on break ups because it might help someone reading. Here are a few thoughts on surviving a break-up.

How to Survive a Break-Up 101

So I’m like one of those sea animals that dates once in a century or so. Lol, not that bad but almost. My husband was my second boyfriend and initially, I used to think that that fact really counted me out of ever giving relationship advice. I realise now that that isn’t true. Yes of course, experience is a great teacher, but you don’t have to live through hell to advice others to queue at the Pearly Gates instead. Plus, I didn’t have such few relationships due to a lack of options and I think it’s a powerful statement to be able to keep yourself, to choose with whom you will share yourself. In a world that is full of so much pressure to be with ‘the one’, to find ‘the one’, to get that one great love, it’s great to be able to find that love in yourself first and find it so securely that you will only take on a partner on the promise that he/she adds more value to your life than your single status assures. I hope that makes sense. If it does, let’s carry on.

So I was in this relationship and then it didn’t work out and I didn’t really know what to make of myself because I am the sort of person who believes in dating with a purpose: To marry…never mind that I was all of 23-25 years old at the time. Even after it ended, I was certain that this was the man for me and do you know looking back, I cannot give you one singular justifiable reason why. Lol. It took me examining myself honestly a while after the break-up, to determine where the (many) many gaps in that theory lay. For one thing, the entire premise of my decision that this relationship was unto death was flawed. Lol. I remember thinking, quite seriously at the time mind you, that I ought to take what I can get because we were relatively happy and I wondered who would love me as much particularly as I was *whispers* saving myself for marriage and that is a widely unpopular position. I speak a fair amount on saving yourself because I remember really feeling isolated, like I was the only person in the world who had committed to this ‘mad’ promise and as a result, I was deservedly a relationship pariah of sorts…and I never want anyone to feel so alone in choosing to follow God’s word. I figured, this might be the only man willing to accept me with the huge fault of an intact hymen, so I better take it. Lol, I know the foolishness of the entire situation is apparent. Weirdly, it seemed as though the entire universe had connived to convince me that this was the case because the first few men I met after we broke up seemed like really good options …until they realized sex was not on the table. Then they backpeddaled like the Road Runner on rewind. Lol. So I remember trying to make things work because I figured, this had to be it. Because he had told me before, the immense sacrifice it took to be with a virgin. *Shakes head* The level of my foolishness astounds me.

And ladies and gentlemen, that’s the first lesson. If you are mooning over life after a break-up, drop that tissue and make an honest list asking yourself why you truly believe that this person is the ONLY one for you. What is the basis of this belief? A lot of the time, the foundation of a relationship that eventually breaks up is faulty and simply because God loves us, He will never take us where His grace will neither sustain us nor His will cover us. Looking back, I realise how much more suited to his present wife my ex is and I understand that for certain, I would never have attained all I was destined for if we had remained together. That’s not shade, it’s truth. God who created you knows who is the absolute best partner to cause you to blossom into all you can be, and you need to trust that. How I wish I’d known that when I was sitting, crying into a bag of ram suya, sipping a hot Fanta in an empty parking lot that dark break-up Sunday.

Sigh.

Secondly, break-ups bring out the worst in people. Fact. So be selective about what you choose to believe from your significant other in a break-up conversation. That is closely tied to this fact that you must keep in mind during the break-up conversation: You CANNOT control anyone else’s actions but yours. So be selective in what you agree to believe and the blame you agree to carry following a break-up, because it can take years to shift the feeling of guilt or frustration, sadness or resentment, so call out B.S when you see it and take responsibility for YOUR actions and nothing else. It is empowering and leaves you in a much better place for healing afterwards.

Finally, I would be a liar if I didn’t say a big part of healing and restoration came from a third party, but not exactly in the way you might think.

My BFF Namdi did something for me that I will forever be grateful for. Soon after the break up when Namdi knew I’d be mooning about the house looking like Uncle Fester on a Sunday, he rang and tried to invite me for a wedding. I totally refused and so he said he’d come over instead and I should pretend to look presentable. Please. I was studying for some exams and so I was wearing some shorts and a loose tshirt, and I figured that that’d have to be presentable enough. He arrived at my door in 20 minutes…with a 6 foot 2’ glass of dark chocolate. To show you how uninterested I was, my hand did not even stretch for one second to allay the bushbaby nest of a weave perched atop my head. I just ushered them in and proceeded to count the moments till they left. As soon as they left, and because Namdi is really my best girlfriend disguised in a masculine frame, he rang me to ask what I thought about his friend who was apparently, so taken with me. “Meh.” Was the response, to Namdi’s eternal consternation. I proceeded to speak and go out a couple of times with the young man but he also eventually fell into the ‘No Chex, No Love’ box and we parted amicably. We are still very good friends and weirdly enough, he is someone who till date always speaks so very highly of me…for which I am thankful.

But, let me tell you what that did for me. Even if we didn’t land ourselves in a steamy relationship, it helped me to see that there are indeed many fish in the sea…and many were a-swimming towards my net whether I was out fishing or not. And that’s something crucial to note. Yes, the break up has happened and you may never be with this person you think you love again. It sounds hard to believe right now, but the world is huge and there is ALWAYS room to be surprised. You think you’ve seen everything, you think you’ve experienced love, you think you’ve put in too much to walk away, but oh my darling the world is huge and our God is incredibly kind. There is still so much for you to experience and to see, there is still a love created ONLY for you: You with your weirdness and wahala, your awkwardness and anxiety. Yes, you. There is a love created just for you, but you must be bold enough to let go and trust God to catch you when you’re in this free fall.

God makes absolutely NO mistakes yes Caitlyn I said it. So if you’re in the middle of a break up, LEARN your way through the heartache, to the other side. Never remain in something simply because you are unsure or afraid of the future, trust me “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” -C.S Lewis.

Obi’m is evidence of that.

See you in your future, I’m rooting for you.x