“A lot of women, when they’re young, feel they have very good friends, and find later on that friendship is complicated. It’s easy to be friends when everyone’s 18. It gets harder the older you get, as you make different life choices…A lot of women’s friendships begin to founder.”

-Zadie Smith

Yesterday my friend Adim rang me. We chatted for a bit and as we said our goodbyes, he said something that gave me pause. “We have to keep in touch more, don’t be a stranger!!” Now, I would have waved that off with an obligatory “SURE!” but I’m learning a lot from Obi’m who often says what he means. So I said to Adim, “If we are true friends, it wouldn’t matter how often we kept in touch. Every time we speak, it’d be like we were never apart.” He agreed with me. I truly believe this because I have seen it work. My most profound friendships are with those who I don’t speak to daily yet in spite of distance and time, I sit with in companionable silence and can share my most vulnerable self unashamedly when we do speak. Namdi once said to me, “Wendy, true friends are never lost”.

My friendship landscape in the last 2-4 years  is almost unfamiliar to me. Friends I knew from childhood, traipsed through the trials of teenage life and experienced the ragged terrain of a budding womanhood with…suddenly are no longer truly a fixed, fundamental part of my life’s experience.

The weirdest thing is that this feels perfectly right.

Some of my friendships have foundered, died an organic death as they reached their ordained expiry dates. Others have been carved away in a deliberate attempt to prune off that which no longer fits: Dead weight. Some have occurred with a brute, talon-ed, condensed attack that left both attacker and the attacked shocked and temporarily damaged. Like an exorcism, forced yet providing relief and release upon completion.

It’s funny. I used to worry about losing friends. I wondered if it was a sign that I was a bad person or perhaps just doing something wrong. Then three things happened that confirmed that this wasn’t the case at all.

The first thing is that I realized that some friendships no longer fit because I was finally wearing my skin. I had grown into myself and I wouldn’t apologise for it. I had reached deep into myself, examined the crevices of my soul hiding the varied and disparate portions of me and I wore all of me proudly. I didn’t doubt myself, I had seen and analysed all that I was and I really really liked who I saw. So I didn’t need validation from anywhere but within. I had come to know myself and I trusted my instincts, perceptions, opinions, my own advice. As a woman, I had come into my own completely and so there was little space to be plugged or room for others to fill. I fully understood this axiom: All Power over My Life is in My Hands to Give. How wonderful to know that!

Now let me tell you what that does for you, and you might be able to see how that might lead to losing friends and alienating people. As soon as you know and own yourself, you will not tolerate certain things in your space. I have to say to some extent once, or twice, it took Obi’m to really drill this in. I am the sort of person who when people upset, might not initially react. I tend to analyse myself first and give the other person the benefit of doubt. I ask myself, “What is actually getting me riled in this situation? What did they do to me…and what am I telling myself their action means?” These are very important questions that have helped me get perspective on some difficult situations. Sometimes I’ll even write these questions and the answers on my phone’s note pad and keep rereading it until I understand and calm down. Because often I do not know what I feel, I can’t articulate what I think, until I read what I write. I find that because I want to believe the best in someone sometimes I downplay their actions to my detriment. “Maybe I overanalyzed this thing she did” “Maybe he’s just upset and spoke like that because he is stressed.”

Once a friend spoke to me in a way that was so offensive and in response I simply asked that she adjourn the discussion, figuring she might have been stressed out so perhaps spoke out of character. I was very hurt and when I shared this with Obi’m, he said a very simple thing. “What did you say back to her?” I said, of course nothing, I told her let’s talk a little later. He quietly said, “You should not allow people treat you however they want.” That really shook me. The truth is, we choose the way that people will treat us. If in being a pacifist I had bent myself backwards to the point that this friend would speak to me in a way she wouldn’t have dared to speak to anyone else, then I was failing at keeping the peace. Maybe there was no peace to be kept. I went back and I called her out on her B.S, not rudely, but in clear terms I explained that I had given her some time to think and I wanted to assure her that there would NEVER be a time when talking to me the way she did would be acceptable. Her tone, choice of words and general demeanor were unacceptable simply because I will not be spoken to like that by anyone. I could see she was taken aback and it set a pace in that relationship which I do not regret. I said my piece and I was at peace.

You see, I accept all of myself and appreciate my value and so it’s natural that there are things that I will not accept in my space. I am simply too valuable. My peace of mind, self-worth, joy and purpose are too important to be corrupted by perversion and negativity. So any friendship that even suggests either one of these two things, I will certainly get rid of. Once, Ant said to me “There is nothing like ‘A bad friend’. The premise of that concept is false, it cannot exist.” A person that is bad for you or to you, is simply not a friend and certainly not YOUR friend.

The final thing that has made losing friendships worthwhile for me is my mother. As a child, my house was the center of activity. We grew up feeling the warmth and joy of sharing a table with loved ones. It’s a delight we replicate in our own homes by always hosting people. I watched my mum grow from the center of several friendship circles to a friend list she might not be able to count on one hand. I asked her about this once and she helped me understand that in walking in purpose, you don’t need a crowded room. Some journeys are best taken with minimum baggage and the older you grow the more important that seems. I strongly believe that a dream has one owner at a time, this is why dreamers often appear misunderstood. To live your dream life means you may not need a posy of fans in the guise of friends at the sidelines egging you on always. With all that noise, how will you hear the voice of your Maker in whose footsteps you ought to walk?

(ASIDE: This last point just reminded me of my bible app, YouVersion. I keep getting friend requests on the app which will always and forever be rejected! Lol. I was very surprised the first time I saw the notification! For me, my bible is solely and strictly a channel to commune with God. Studying my bible is one area that I need hear no other voice but mine and God’s. What do I need friends for in this place please? We ‘add’, ‘follow’, ‘tag’, ‘like’ friends in everything, it’s little wonder our existence is consistently chaotic yet so empty. On my bible app, my only friend is Jesus thank you very much! 🙂 )

In conclusion, I’m learning a lot from being in this relationship. I am seeing the world in a totally different way and that worries me. I wonder if it’s that I have just been given glasses after decades of emotional and mental long-sightedness; just always seeing who people could be not who they are…or perhaps rose-coloured glasses have just been removed and I can see the world as it is? Or am I simply being corrupted by the cynicism of another? I don’t know yet. But, here’s what I’ve learnt about friendships. Most people, unconsciously, have adjudged their friends as worthy or unworthy of certain things, certain achievements in life. When the reality differs from our perception, when a friend surpasses our expectations or fails in our estimation, for many it can be hard to deal with. Guess what? You do not owe anyone, least of all your true friends, the responsibility of titling your reality to fit their perception. Find your bliss and follow it with a selfish passion. Wear your skin, all of it, unapologetically. Know that since happiness heard your name, it’s been running down streets trying to find you (Rumi). Embrace joy. Do not carry dead weight, friendships can have expiry dates…and the road ahead is still long.

So travel light.

“You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing.”

-E.B White