Here’s how I work, I say I want God to take control of certain things and so I give them to Him in prayer…and then I snatch them back…then I drop them again in His lap like “Ok, ok You fix this!”…then I’ll grab them back like, “Wait, wait I can handle this!”…then…

…You see why I say only a God of supreme mercy and extreme patience can love me??? Lol.

Usually I’ll be asking God for direction on something and I’ll analyse and overthink … and not get a landing on the matter and then at some point in that day or week, He will send something or someone with a random message that seems totally unrelated in the context…but is somehow a direct and clear answer to my concern.

That happened today. While having a shower this morning, my mind wandered to friendships. As I lathered I thought about some friendships that over time have naturally melted away… and those that have been sawed loose; and by sawed I do indeed intend to create in your mind an image of something being viciously, savagely hacked off using a torturous instrument, usually with malicious intent. Yes, a tad melodramatic but nevertheless true. Despite the fact that the pain following the end of a friendship can feel like a sort of heart amputation, I find that over time, like every wound that doesn’t kill you, my soul heals and feels like it’s soldered stronger than it was before. In spite of the healing though, I find that my soul is perhaps a little shrunken, shuddering in fright every time something new sidles up next to it.

You see, I’m not a very brave person. I am terrified of making mistakes, of repeating mistakes, of giving huge, irreversible margins for mistake. I’m cautious, conservative, careful. So it makes sense that when a hacked off friendship resurrects itself from the dead and slides up to my soul’s side holding an old, torn piece of my amputated heart in hand, I might not be so eager, so willing to embrace the lost (not missing) piece, I might not be so eager to solder its ragged edges to my amputee soul, to mix the old lost piece with my new survivor heart.

So I say, “No thanks, my stump works fine the way it is.” to the resurrected ‘friendship’

And now I sound bitter. And unChristlike. I sound unchivalrous. And angry.

But I’m not, I’m not mad…this is just me hurt, although to be fair Hurt Wendelyn and Angry Wendelyn look pretty much the same! Lol. What can I say, I’m not a break-down-and-cry type of girl, I’m more a break windows and strangle stray cats sort of woman. *shrugs*

But does saying “I’d rather be left alone” show anger, or even hurt…or just more caution? I think it’s caution. Caution because those torn pieces of a shredded heart are like Portkeys; as soon as I connect with them, I’m transferred down a corridor of darkness, hauled back into horrid memories, lost in a hundred breathless moments of pounding uncertainty, complexes, fear, panic and indescribable stress. So I stay away and avoid anything that drags my soul back to that hapless place.

So I asked God this morning as I showered, “Does forgiveness always mean restoration?”

A few years ago I determined that I wouldn’t let anything or anyone who didn’t add real value to my life take up space anymore and that required analyzing a few things including how much room I had in my heart for friends…and acquaintances. There’s so much space in my internal real estate to rent if you’re an acquaintance, that’s all I’ll say! Lol. I also realized, like the Girlfriends in God writers in the article below, that there is criteria we should individually draft and intend our friendships to meet to be sustainable, functional and organic. More of us need to come to the acceptance of the fact that you CAN have a warm relationship with an acquaintance…Not everyone must be your friend. I think more of us have to reassess our lives and understand this. Don’t carry luggage that you don’t need, like the Polish say: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

Today’s Girlfriends in God message really made me think about what a friendship is, and answered my inquiry at Heaven’s Pearly Gates. “Does forgiveness always mean restoration?” See Girlfriends in God message Here