“Parents beat out of love, it was said. Teachers beat, neighbours beat. By the time a child turned 10, the adults they knew would have beaten out any cockiness the could develop into wit; any dreaminess that could give birth to creation; any bossiness that could lead to leadership. Only the strong survive; the rest would spend their life searching for initiative. This was what it took to raise an African child, a village of beaters, and yet if someone put their hands around a child’s neck, and applied the slightest pressure, someone else would accuse them of wickedness, because strangulation had nothing to do with discipline.”

-Everything Good Will Come, Sefi Atta

I hate it when people say, “You think you’re so_______[Fill in the blank: smart/beautiful/good etc]!” Well hell heifer, yes, yes indeed I do!! Lol! Why is that such a bad thing? Why are people so uncomfortable with those who choose to NOT live smaller versions of their lives…or simply choose to live without apologies?! Live your own life; don’t mind my business UNLESS you plan to invest! Why is it so wrong to say, “Yes, I know I’m X and yes I’m proud of Y achievement.” Why do we interpret self-confidence, especially in Nigeria, as arrogance? Why is confidence, especially in young people, considered so dangerous? How can being proud of the person I am, not even my ambitions, be interpreted as me thinking I’m better than anyone else?

One time this girl asked me in the middle of a (rather pointless) argument, “Who do you think you are?!” I paused, thought about it and quietly answered, “Who do YOU think I am?” Because I know who I think I am…and clearly the question is bothering YOU a little.

In the end, I think these are just plots by little people to make you feel small; to pull you down to their ‘midgetry’. Nope, I’m not Snow White and I am not about that Dwarf Life! In Nigeria, I think that young people are often taught and expected to act small, to be small thinkers; to not be expressive and essentially to never really be impressive as a result. With 70% of the population still under the age of 35, we are preparing ourselves for a potential problem.

We seem to have a lot of older people who consistently want young people to be beholden to them, excessively grateful for every tiny thing…even that which is their due. Young people be gracious, yes! Be grateful even, yes! But there comes a time where you must stop and reevaluate your self worth. Why should you accept being told that you should be grateful to work for X company when you’ve worked hard at school and are working even harder for the company, adding value and putting in good work? Are they performing a service…or doing a favour? The company is as lucky to have you as you are to work there! Let’s not encourage this down-talk to the youth otherwise we will grow an entire generation of intimidated Nigerians; Nigerians too afraid to take initiative and do big things because they’re taught all their lives to tread carefully for fear of overstepping arbitrarily placed boundaries.

Trust and believe, I’ll step over those lines in the sand, wipe them off with my heels and use that stiletto tip to craft a brand new line wherever I want! Ha!

I’ve given this example on here before but I’ll repeat it. So when I was in secondary school in Nigeria, I always got into trouble for talking “too much”. I was clever but I always had ideas, I always wanted to do something, I spoke out of turn often and I would get in trouble for rudeness and restlessness. Then I got to A-Level school in England. In this boarding school in the heart of leafy Canterbury, this restless little flower blossomed. The same talking “too much” led the English school to make me the student body head; because what they told my parents in Nigeria was the rudeness and restlessness of this “bad” child, was translated in England as her “passion and strength of character.”

Lol same person.

Same talkative.

And you know what? That confidence my English teachers placed in me refined all that energy and curbed all that excess. Because they let me express myself, didn’t make me feel poorly about who I intrisincally am, I began to truly shine. And the logic is simple; you get the best out of people when you encourage the best of their character. You don’t threaten, subjugate or humiliate in order to motivate.

This sort of educational support system continued through out my time at school abroad. I remember my very first reference and appraisal at university by one of my professors. It read, “Wendy joins the LSE with a tremendous amount of raw intelligence. It will be refined here.” Not reduced or managed but refined, meaning to improve by inserting finer distinctions, superior elements, or to make more precise, finer or elegant. I’m happy to report that by the end of my third year, my intellect was indeed much refined…or at least didn’t feel as raw.

The truth is, I’ve been very lucky and many young Nigerians do not have the same views, background or opportunities I’ve been blessed with. Not only have the hands of fate dealt with me kindly (shout out to King Jesus *throws Tuale*), but particularly because I’ve been blessed with the sort of family that have always rooted for me to win. My parents are really really big on standing up for what you feel is right, standing up for yourself and for others who don’t have a voice. From the time we were little, they always made us feel valued and that’s what gives you the confidence to speak out not just for yourself but for others.

I was thinking the other day how young kids are always watching their parents’ reactions to things and just watching their methods of processing emotions as a cue to learn how they, the children, will deal with the same things. So if you have parents who are proponents of injustice or are generally unfair to others, you may grow up thinking these things are not necessarily so bad…because how would your parents who are so good to you do such bad things to others? So such attitudes cannot be SO bad, if your parents are doing it. Slightly warped but understandable.

We all have a duty to build others up, as parents or even just as models to others….even if you’re just modelling for the face that squints back at you from a mirror.

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