“She is as single as a grain of rice.”
-Stella Dimorkorkus

I’ve said before that I think there are only three real crimes in Nigeria. The abhorrent crime of poverty, singleness (particularly in women) and bareness in married women (inconceivable in men [excuse the pun]). You should take my word for it, I’m a lawyer *ahem*

Yesterday, one of my favourite aunties came round to ours for lunch. Aunty G is in e-v-e-r-y way a G! She is a diva of epic proportions, can cook so well her boiled water will make you ask for seconds, she will decorate the hell out of your home (literally), she is as clever as a beaver in the summer months, as resourceful as Robinson Crusoe AND two Fridays….all topped with impeccable sense of style and self. That G in her name Gloria, is eponymous; the lady is a CAPITAL G.

Yet when she told Anita and I she had come from Lagos to have a chat with us, I was apprehensive. If you’re over the age of 18 and resident in Nigeria, the Marriage Police are forever on the prowl. From mothers intent on grandbabies, to bosses intent on gossip…the pressure is pervasive, persistent and punishing for the most part as it seems to deflect the blame for this vicious crime of singleness at the hapless woman’s door. “You’re not doing something well enough”. As though marriage certificates were leaves on forest trees and some of us were too reluctant to pluck those low-hanging fruits.

So you see now why Aunty G’s coming seemed ominous. I wondered, “What angle will she take the singleness discussion from? As I rightly assumed that would be what this chat would be centered on. Perhaps the “Wendy, you don’t go out enough?” True but as I don’t mind that, should she really? Or the good ole, “You need to dress more obviously; you’re a thin woman and Nigerian men like flesh! You need them to notice you!!” Do I? Or the Joker card, “You are too smart; you’re intimidating men…dumb it down a little.” Perhaps if I had taken my math assignments with me on dates, I’d have been married by now. Darn.

I cannot tell you how surprised I was to find that Aunty G didn’t come with any of those (I told you she’s a G!!!) She told us as much as soon as we sat down to talk. According to my aunt, she had flown from Lagos to tell Anita and I that while “…shinning your eye…” in the soul-mate search, “…remember to live YOUR life.”

In her words, too many women lose sight of the ship while gazing longingly at the shore rich with its promise of security in that there’s solid land to stand on, romantic flowers and dramatic ease. She reminded us that as humans, we are predisposed to wanting; the rat race never ends, there is always another pot at the end of a new rainbow. Today it’s a marriage…tomorrow, a child…the day after, perhaps a male child and so on and so on. We are so harried in our rabid race to conquer the future that we forget to live in the present. There is space and time to do the things that matter to you now as a single woman, she says; space and time to FIND the things YOU WANT TO LEARN to LOVE TO DO. The things that matter to you. Now, we have a privilege and luxury one can scarce afford in marriage; selfishness. You can be the center of the many multiverses (plural of universe…I just learnt this!) inside of you. So this isn’t time for twiddling thumbs and waiting, it’s action time. I wish I was even more boisterous and could make this a rousing call to arms, #FreedomFightersBeLike, “My sisters! Take up your mascara, arm thineselves with thine bendy rollers…” But, that’s not really what this is about.

It’s more about an honest, open discourse on the secret side of singleness and I was just pleased that someone else got IT. The not often celebrated side, the side that rejects the pressure and the fervent desperation and tries instead to work out some peace, to snatch a bit back of yourself, even in the center of the rabid rat race. It’s this sort of peace that encourages me to look at emotional situations that are harmful to my self-respect, that turn my self-worth on its head… and withdraw. It’s what makes women realize that sometimes what is simply a bruised ego or wounded pride can disguise themselves as heart ache. It’s the same understanding that will make me say again and again and again for good measure, “I’m worth more” than the situation, than the treatment I’m getting, than this place I am in.

All I’m saying is this, with the constant fervor for us to become someone’s, we forget to be ourselves first and in so doing, we erode a ton of our self-esteem and worth. Too many women think that because they are not married, they are somehow not good enough…as though marriage is a football team and the captains get to pick players. But, that logically cannot be the case because even some facially challenged people with attitudes from the darkest pits of hell, are sometimes paired up! So that argument that, “…if I were prettier/smarter/from a better background” etc, I’d be married isn’t a really reasonable theory. There are many things in life we, well I certainly, don’t understand and as Aunty G says, “You can ask that one when you reach heaven!” BUT FOR NOW, WE LIVE. We enjoy our days, we make them count. We make our time here count, we make our single journey worthwhile. And most importantly, we stay present and ready to be used.

Final note, recently I think I switched up my prayers. Instead of the typical prayers on marriage, I’ve started asking God to help me be the sort of person that is a perfect answer to someone else’s prayer. That effectively means that our goals and souls will align. In doing this, I’m not only asking for God’s will, I’m also asking for God to work on me so I’m more in line with the sort of woman He created me to be. And that’s key.

On a final final note, (I sound like a pastor, always promising the service will end in five minutes! #TalesByMoonlight!) I remember this anecdote Christiana told me once about attending Nigerian weddings and getting continuously asked when her wedding might be. She said something like this:

“Wendy, I’m thinking of getting a male blow up doll to take with me to weddings, I’ll be introducing him as my date.”
Wendelyn: “Uhmmmm m’kay…why?

Christiana: “So any discussions on the status of my private relationships will be awkward for ALL parties.”

Now, now ladies, form an orderly queue, http://www.blowupdollz.co.uk stocks ENOUGH hot chocolate and premium vanilla versions of male dolls 😉