On staying together.
I remember having a discussion with a friend. He did the typical loud wail on the dearth of good girls available and his unending dance of singleness. That’s how we found ourselves in a discussion on the indomitable ‘List’. I asked him what he requires in a significant other and after running the gamut from video vixen body to motherly personality, he landed at, “Oh…and she can not come from a broken home!” Excuse me, “…that is necessary because whaaaaa?!” I wanted to know.
I mean a number of things struck me; for one thing, who came up with the term “broken home”? That two formerly married people who determine that they are bad for each other do not live together makes for a broken marriage. Not necessarily a broken home. I know amazing people from allegedly ‘broken homes’ who will tell you they had the happiest childhood and there was nothing broken in their home besides furniture when fatter aunties came a-visiting.
Broken home indeed.
Anyways, curious to know where my friend’s head was, I asked what a person’s parents’ marital status had to do with him or her being an excellent partner; a real curiousity for me as I’ve heard more than one Nigerian use this as a raison d’etre, for not dating an otherwise exceptional person. My friend told me, he said, a person who has witnessed their parents give up on marriage and watched those two successfully survive the separation, is someone that knows that divorce is always a viable option. That, he believes, is a mentally he can’t deal with in a marriage. According to him, as much as he annoys his sisters, they understand that they’re bound by blood and are an essential part of each other; they can’t get rid of each other no matter how hurt, angry, disappointed or disillusioned they get. That’s the same reasoning he wants in a wife.
“The best way to describe it is incestuous…I love her like she is my blood. But, with the intensity of lust, infatuation and romance.”-VSB
Over the weekend, one of my best friends in the world and one of my favourite people, Anne a.k.a Anntecedent got married and as I watched her trade promises with her beau before God, the quote above came to mind. After all the hassle of wedding preparation and countdowns to the big day, it occurred to me as I watched those two promise themselves to each other, that at the end nothing is more important than the commitment those two are making to each other before their God. I have never attended a more sincere and love-filled wedding and I know that for my hitta my hitta, Anne, this marriage is one that will outlast time and surpass joy itself.
Witnessing last weekend’s events however made me think, “What can take two people from that promise of happily ever after to happily separated forever?”And I heard in answer, a statement Vanilla Aima made the other day,
“The wedding ring is not alchemy…it CANNOT change base metal to gold”.
“Teach me good discernment and knowledge…” -Psalm 199:66
Photo Credit: My fine self, thank you very much! That’s a picture of my BFF Anne in her wedding dress that personifies her very self; simple, elegant, classic beauty.
Oh Wendelyn! 
Most Nigerian (even African as a whole) marriages, especially our parents’ generation, linger on for reasons that are, in my opinion, far more dangerous than this so called “broken home”.
For example, I know one too many “I’m staying for the kids” marraiges, something I find very hard to comprehend given that same precious kids are subjected to what I can only classify as psychological torture from watching mum and dad at each other’s throats day-in-day-out! Husbands fathering kids outside of their matrimony, bringing home stray females and generally disrespecting their vows, because they can. Wives complaining about their husbands’ unacceptable behaviour, crying and screaming at any opportunity.
I don’t know about you, but that screams “broken home” to me than two formally married people who are wise enough to know that they’re no good together and decide to love their kids from two different homes.
A big congrats to our very own Anne-better-than-Boleyn-courage like Frank.
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I agree Lami, I think it’s weird that children from those homes are judged for things that have absolutely nothing to do with them.
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I totally agree with you Lami! I think there real determinant of whether a home is ‘broken’ is the presence of love or lack thereof. Anything else is false. A lot of African traditions are unfortunately hypocritical. And your name for Anne is epic! Lol!
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I think the alchemy analogy is a bit dangerous. In many cases, failed marriages are due to incompatibility but the incompatibility can and does result over time. Love that stands the test of time and all obstacles takes serious work – how many people are ready to do this work. I would say marriage is like silver – if you don’t polish it and keep it warm, it will tarnish. May the tarnish never be such that you get tired of polishing or you don’t care to pick up the rag.
Also and I don’t know where this fits in, but some people’s love is conditional, which is fine as long as you never encounter the conditions not covered. For example, I love you as long as my mother loves you because if she hates you I won’t fight for you. If you know this about your future husband, make sure his mother loves you!
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Hi Random Anne! Thanks for your insight! I love the silver analogy. I think the reference to alchemy was to say that people enter marriages well aware of so many red flag character traits in the other person, it might as well be a blood bath, but choose to be blind in the hope that marriage might soften or change those significant problems. This isn’t always the case. I guess I was just struck at the wedding with the unhappy thought that so many people begin marriage so happily, what turns it so sour sometimes? (A bit of a macabre thought to have at a wedding though. :s )
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Hey Wendy! Told you I read your blog religiously! Hehe. Decided to comment so you know I’m here! This piece is particularly interesting because I have also often heard people say that people from ‘broken homes’ are unlikely to be successful at marriage and have often wondered how such a horrible generalization could have become gospel. Yes, it is true; we are a sum of our experiences and our experiences directly affect our outlook but my issues with the generalization can be summarized with one simple statement: each individual should be judged based on his or her own convictions. I am more than what my mother went through or what my father did or what deity my Grandparents worshipped and I would like to be judged based on who I am and what I portray and I try to pay anyone I come into contact with that same courtesy.
What is your view after speaking with your friend? Not sure I gleaned what it is from your write-up.
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Leila!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 *beams foolishly*. I thought I was clear; I think it’s madness for anyone to judge a person based on their childhood. Emphasis on child. As a child, what responsibility do you own for the environment you grow up in? Far more importantly, a broken home is one that is loveless. Some families are two-parented and as Lami correctly pointed out, are horrid environments for the kids. I understand the reasoning behind my friend’s comment, but it’s surely faulty because a person who has watched her parents divorce may also very easily go the other way and say, “I never want this to happen to me or my kids”. Because it can go whatever way, the reasoning is flawed. My friend’s wedding just brought the conversation to mind because it made me realise that no one really enters a marriage wanting to end up alone, so to judge anyone in that situation or who has survived through that, is terribly unfair.
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Leila!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 *beams foolishly*. I thought I was clear; I think it’s madness for anyone to judge a person based on their childhood. Emphasis on child. As a child, what responsibility do you own for the environment you grow up in? Far more importantly, a broken home is one that is loveless. Some families are two-patented and as Lami correctly pointed out, are horrid environments for the kids. I understand the reasoning behind my friend’s comment, but it’s surely faulty because a person who has watched her parents divorce may also very easily go the other way and say, “I never want this to happen to me or my kids”. Because it can go whatever way, the reasoning is flawed. My friend’s wedding just brought the conversation to mind because it made me realise that no one really enters a marriage wanting to end up alone, so to judge anyone in that situation or who has survived through that, is terribly unfair.
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