Virginity is not a twenty first century word…at least not to those of us unblemished by the proliferous obsession with Vampirism, half-humans and Twilight dreams. Virginity remains an interesting subject though, despite the age of consensual sexual activity continuing its downward spiral, our communities’ frantic pace towards reckless hyper-sexualisation and our general attitude to sexuality becoming increasingly laissez-affair. I warn you that I’ll be speaking in black and white, in absolutes, not because I am unaware of the many variants of grey in existence; I’d rather just not write a thesis on the meaning of virginity today. Suffice to say that by losing virginity, I refer to a hymen breaking activity orchestrated by sexual penetration. Am I picking and choosing? Perhaps. Now the clinicals are over, allons y.

The topic flitted into my mind while watching season 6 of BET’s The Game…in its entirety. In.one.sitting. The result being, my begging off work the next day due to heart palpitations. Don’t judge me until you’ve watched newcomer Jay Ellis a.k.a Blu’s original brand of handsomeness; it’s this unique ‘suave-goofiness’ mixed with an eery accessibility, stuffed into this 6’2 toffee frame.

I’m suffering from Stage 6 Groupietitis.

Away from the characters and back to the plot, spoiler alert, the gorgeous crater-cheeked Lauren London plays Blu’s love interest, Kierra, and admits to being a virgin…at twenty five. Incroyables et Merveilleuses! The shocked reactions to her revelation are logical because you see, sexy women are not supposed to be virgins. Of course! Why it took the ghettoised duo of characters, Tasha and Chardonnay, to teach me this I will never know.

Right.

Their assumption is erroneous as well as full of irony, but irony aside, we see Kierra’s hymen making special guest appearances in the storyline for an episode or two. These include in talks with Blu (love interest), Malik (worldly friend), Nina (forced BFF) and Tasha (fairy ghetto mother), all effectively informing Kierra that failure to warn Blu that she was still a member of the ‘V Card’ carrying club when they had sex, is “…a violation of sexual etiquette.” That alone gave me food for thought.

But what stuffed my brain’s belly was definitely Kierra’s stalwart defence of her virginity. For Kierra, Blu should be GRATEFUL that she gifted him with her, “…most prized possession.” (Verbatim). That gave me pause. I am all for abstinence until marriage, but to think that a fully-functional woman undertook a valuation of her body in its entirety (skeleton included), and arrived at the conclusion that her MOST valuable possession is her hymen?! Let me tell you that left me at a loss.

Let’s take the issues one after another, the first being the accusation of violating sexual etiquette by not informing a potential partner of virginity status. Now, as it’s not your HIV status, I don’t think failure to share this tid-bit is an epic solecism. But let’s not remain on the periphery; let’s attempt to understand this allegation properly. The general idea is that whoever takes a virgin’s virginity (tautologous?), is mandated to undertake emotional responsibility for her. Said responsibility includes of course, the combined deluxe package of increased clinginess, desperation and determination to marry said fellow. I don’t know but isn’t this a bit of an assumption; surely if you haven’t met at least 50% of the world’s virgins, especially virgins Kierra’s age or older, this might be a bit of a leap, no?

I admit to being a tad ignorant on the topic of sexual etiquette, but I opine that at the core of this ‘Increased Dependency’ prognosis, is the suspicion that anyone that retains their virginity for too long must at the base be a little bit crazy. To attach such excess value and importance to virginity in today’s dynamic world admittedly, seems weird. Ergo, there’s a potential fear that letting go of that virginity might result in the simultaneous letting go of some screws in the poor woman’s head, thereby making an otherwise intelligent and rational woman morph into what Christiana eloquently refers to as, “Bat Sh*t Crazy”; clinging, calling constantly, crying, committing indefinitely etc

This is fallacy.

Fallacy because it presumes that purity is stupid, unnecessary or over the top. It assumes that virgins hold on to their virginity for no other purpose but to meet the ‘right person’ and then pour out their excessively controlled emotionality on purported ‘right person’. Sometimes however, virginity, purity is for a higher purpose; to walk in line with God’s precepts. Whatever the purpose of virginity though, purity like pragmatism is an underestimated virtue. (Yes really, pragmatism is a virtue). It takes an extreme amount of self-discipline, self-knowledge, confidence and focus to remain pure in a world that is groaning under the weight of its own temptations. It involves saying an emphatic no, when it is far easier and certainly more enjoyable to say yes. The road to delayed gratification is arduous and its travellers must not only be skilled and perceptive, but they must also be gamblers; there is the off chance that you may never reach the El Dorado called Gratification but have to stay in the frustrated satisfaction of goodness being its own reward.

It is hard.

It is interesting that the problem with a failure to furnish your potential sexual partner with a status update of your virginity status is considered a sexual violation, but not on the grounds that doing otherwise might have fostered better communication and a stronger connection between the parties. The failure, it appears, desecrates sacred sexual protocol on the grounds that your potential sexual partner has a right to prepare to avoid Stage 5 Clinginess and similar symptoms associated with the terminal disease, Virginitis Simplicitus? O.K.

If you like it, I love it.

The second issue on virginity, is founded on Kierra’s defence to the claim of “…violating sexual etiquette” by informing Blu and her friends, that she gifted Blu her “most prized” possession and he was ungrateful by choosing to discuss violations of sexual etiquette instead of praising her, or perhaps worshipping at her haloed feet perched upon the Pedestal. I watched that and ALL I could think was, “Girl, if your virginity is your most prized asset, you’re in trouble!”

Sometimes, virgins will not even wait to be asked to display their particulars before they snatch the V card from the side pocket of a wallet and wave it about like a new weave in the harmattan breeze. Unless the purpose of saving your virginity is to start a crusade or protest, this is not really necessary. When people ask if I am a virgin (I think this question might ONLY be asked of a 20 something year old within certain societies; think Nigeria and Pakistan. Anywhere else it might brand the asker ‘Sadistic Serial Killer with Virgin Fetish’), I always respond with, “Are you a ritualist?” As far as I am concerned, and as Nollywood suggests, the only people really keen on ferreting out virgins are people in need of virgins to sacrifice to their gods for material wealth or immortality.

Unfortunately, I am being serious.

I think that perhaps, when you are young and self-righteous, it makes sense to bring out your V Card without announcement, declaring your status as a God’s-law abiding citizen of the Kingdom. But life is sandpaper; maturity and age slowly plane down the sharper edges and can change righteousness to empathy tempered by the revelation of your own failings. A few falls from Pegasus, will make you prefer solid earth to high horse and confirm your humanity. Sometimes it is guilt, sometimes wisdom, sometimes kindness or even plain remembrance might make you pause in reaching for your membership card in the Virgin Club.

What I am saying is this, virginity prized as it is; often hard fought, well earned and properly deserved, is no one’s most prized possession. If it is, what is to become of women who were virgins until rape? YOU are your most prized possession. You in your completeness; your functioning brain, your unique personality, your genuine heart full of good intentions and your contradictory body shattered by questionable actions yet stitched together with those good intentions, your flaws, and your perfections, your skill and your sense. Your virginity is just a part of you, if you choose to obey God’s law and keep yourself till whenever (if ever) you get married, then God bless you. Really, stay encouraged because God has a way of pouring power unto purity, I have seen it happen. But that does not mean in anyway that people are condemned in the alternative.

I know that a lot of young girls eventually bow to the pressure of losing their virginity, some because they chose to and others not so much a choice but a slight lack of understanding; the world tells us today that virginity is antiquated, an obsolete theory practiced by the prudish at best and obtuse zealots at worst. Resultantly, many young women, and men, will bow to pressure simply because they cannot fathom an alternative; sex is such a normal part of life! Who in the world is normal, cool even, in a great relationship and remains a virgin?! IMPOSSI-CAN’T! It is counter-culture, it turns the laws of human nature on its head…yet that’s what we’re called to do as Christians. We are asked to question every thought that raises itself against what we know is the law of Christ; to continually check our minds, scour our subconscious and every.single.moment, purge our minds of those thoughts that are contrary to God’s words yet fight to take root in our hearts and minds.

5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
-2 Corinthians 10:5 (Hell yeah!!Lol)

You can’t have a real connection to someone without sex? Does God’s word say this? No? Pretension. Sex is the best expression of intimacy? Perhaps, but what does God’s word say? Otherwise? Pretension. Recently a friend of mine asked how I ever intend to marry if I won’t have sex with my partner before we get married, and even as fear and doubt did a two-step victory dance on my heart in response to her comment, my heart wondered, if that is the recipe to this holy grail of Marriage, why hasn’t she gotten married despite the sex she’s having? Lol. *Ryan Seacrest voice* “It’s real issues day, live at the Apollo!” Let’s be honest with ourselves and examine these strongholds. This is difficult for me to write about because the tendency is to shy away from controversial issues and matters that might easily make me seem pious and judgmental. But after watching The Game, I felt bad for young girls berated for holding on to purity, because the backlash can be intense…and I felt concerned for anyone holding on to their virginity as the most important thing they have to give when they are so much more.

Someone once said that Christianity is not living day by day, it is fighting second per second to constantly renew your mind and stay focused on the path you’ve chosen. It’s important on this journey to also remember how powerful guilt and shame can be, I know they are my constant companions on this Road Less Travelled. There is something I love about God’s mercy; it’s selective amnesia. God doesn’t just forgive, He forgets when we sincerely confess and try to do right.

He forgets, I don’t. And so, I try to remind myself each time I wake up, that I am reset to factory default settings. I am brandnew…so don’t ask me about the person I was yesterday, she died yesterday.