My car, Ladybird’s, CD space is cluttered with recordings of random gospel sermons. I notice people enter my car and give me funny looks like, “Ok, calm down zealot!!” lol, and I often wonder how to explain that the profusion of sermons is anything but ‘zealotory’ or a declaration of my commitment to God. In fact, it’s the exact opposite!

I am such a mountain goat, so damn stubborn that I need constant reminder of my choice to commit to God. I need reminder of why I am committed, I need reminders to silence my doubts because sometimes I get so afraid, I need reminders to help me remember God’s nature and how far I have come on my journey with Him, so I don’t turn around half way and give God a holy variant of the infamous line, “…its not ME, its YOU, Divine Niggah…all YOU!” Lol, I need to stop watching the Game, Tasha Mack is destroying my grammar game.

I just downloaded (oops!) this song I love, by Marvin Sapp called, “Never Would Have Made It” and discovered that that album is titled Thirsty. I love it. If I ever recorded a Christian album, it would be titled Thirsty. Yes, really. Lol. I think its probably the best description of my relationship with God. I am naturally an incredibly curious person and so I am always seeking answers. With God, I am always asking questions, bringing my doubt to the surface to examine it. I try to not internalise my fears when I talk to God, so they are not magnified and eventually consume me. I want clarity and accuracy and strategies for handling my wars. I think the biblical David had the same sort of thirst I have. I like Psalm 42: 2-4, where David says, “… as the deer pants for water, so my soul longs after you.”

In the days when this psalm was written, hunters would go into the forest to…hunt (obviously), for deer. They would chase the deer about the forest until the poor animal would run into a cave for shelter. Instead of breaching the deer’s sanctuary and potentially facing a greater danger, the hunters would build a fire at the mouth of the cave in order to smoke the deer out of its sanctuary. The choking smoke would dehydrate the frightened deer to the point where its fear would be overtaken by a more pressing need; thirst. The parched deer would run out of the cave, totally uncaring of its captors waiting for it, in desperate search of a stream.

That’s how our thirst for God is supposed to be; uncaring of the limitations and obstacles surrounding our trust and love for God. Sometimes, like David’s, my heart feels so desperate for God’s wisdom and comfort, I am at such a loss that I can’t even see anything else and I have to rely on God alone. I need that reliance, that desire, that connection to be for all time.

Dear God, please give me that deer love.