A thought flitted through my mind the other day as I drove to work. I saw clear as day, a picture of my 9 year old self standing by the swing set at home. Leaning on it’s sturdy green frame I saw you seated on it’s white square seat. Our little garden, verdant, lush summer green. Little baby sister, staring up at me, imploring with those large eyes that I give you some of my lime. I had just discovered limes you see. I like that sharp, sour sweetness. I wasn’t willing to share. Too mature for the unrefined tastes of a three year old? I thought so. But your eyes shredded my heart and with a quick look about, I gave you a taste. One sharp slap inside of your tiny cheek ought to do it! Apparently not, you wanted more! You were always a foodie.

I can still see you. I see you squeezing your tiny face; eyes half closed, button of a nose crinkled with the tiniest baby wrinkles, lips downturned…for two seconds. Then you smile and screech “Gimme!”. Lol.

I don’t know why that moment comes to mind randomly. I see a lot of greens; grass, lime, our swing set…and a vibrant, sunshine, butter yellow…the sun, your face, the inside of our lime, our shared joy… Sometimes, I can’t believe you’re really gone. 6 years later and I still have moments when a random memory flashes; I lose my breath, my insides feel hollow and empty, I still can’t believe this happened to us! Intense, breathless, poignant seconds. Moments I am always unprepared for. I do not know that I will ever be prepared for them.

I miss you so much sometimes, and I can only go on because I have no choice. But you are always there, comfortably seated at the back of my soul… in random moments, you burst out and I am dizzy with pain and so heavy with sadness. But God knows best. I hope that you are ok…I trust that you are ok. Please God.

I was reminded by my thoughts of you, to remember to LIVE… You would like that, after all, what other 11 year old determines that all guests at her funeral wear white or colourful clothes and be happy. “No crying!”. Lol. I love you.

Who knows how much time we have here? Live fully. Love much but more importantly, love well (Philippians 1:9). Enjoy everyday, luxuriate in the journey, be happy in yourself, forgive others as many times as they hurt you…free yourself. Live right. Whatever you do, you cannot afford to stop living! (Literally!).

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”