Someone asked me recently how I knew that my husband was well…my husband. It was hard to articulate a response, because there was a kind of inevitability about being with my husband that is nothing short of eye-roll worthy to the practical minded amongst us. Lol. It sounds ridiculous and unreal, even to me, but the first time I saw him I felt something. “Yes, yes, 6”2 glass of solid chocolate male, we all felt something, Wendy!” Lol, but I am serious. And what is even weirder is my husband knew he would be with me before he met me in person! We were on the same WhatsApp group for the Port Harcourt Book Club where there were always very lively debates on topical issues. I made a comment on a women’s issue and he saved my name and number under ‘Persons of Interest.’ Lol I know, #NollywoodNeedsUs. It’s odd, I feel like being together happened TO us. I remember asking God very early on, not just for signs, but demanding that he wreck things irrevocably if this man wasn’t for me. I didn’t want the stress of a bad relationship when I was outchea Lil Duval’ing and trying to be a #BabyGirlForLife. I feel like being with my husband definitely happened to me. He wasn’t bullish, but he was deliberate and clear about wanting to be there and what he wanted from being there. We dated for 6 months before he proposed, and I remember one of my sisters panicking about the length of dating time. Perhaps it was a gamble, but I think knowing yourself with certainty drives your capacity to know who is best fit for you. I know myself, weaknesses and strengths included and so no one could say better than me, the best match.

My husband was asked the same question and he simply said, “She reminded me of who I was.”

I thought that was profound because so much of life happens to us and can shift us farther and farther away from who we are. Who we were designed and created to be. Our experiences, our inexperience which makes us vulnerable to peer pressure, our expectations of ourselves, the society’s expectation of us: What makes a man, who is a woman? The toxicity versus the truth constantly at war. I understood my husband’s answer perfectly because in essence he said, I found my kindred spirit. And that struck me. The truth is who you are, is all you need to be. Be yourself. In a world that constantly pressures us to be anything but our authentic selves, it is hard to be true. In Nigeria for instance, where marriage appears to be society’s perception of the ultimate aspiration, women especially, are bombarded with things to do, who to be, how to act, to be more attractive to males. I lose count of the amount of times I was ‘encouraged’ to be less: Less opinionated, less driven, less confident, less modern, because it would drive the right partner away. When the very thing that should attract the person for me to me…is, me. *Shrugs*    

The world is vicious in bombarding us with images of what a sexy person looks like, a smart person sounds like, a good woman acts like, a strong man seems like. And we fall for it to the point that we don’t even really know what we define as a sexy, smart, good or strong person for ourselves! Often, we simply assimilate and imbibe any culture du jour as ours. It’s hard to be yourself, to stay true to what you believe to be right when no one else believes it. As we continued the conversation on how we knew we were a good match, I remembered something about my husband that stood out for me. In one of our early conversations, he said something suggestive and I deflected it. He asked, probably jokingly, if I was a virgin and I answered in the affirmative. And he did something that no one else that had been interested in me had done. He stopped and asked me what drove the decision to save myself for marriage. It’s odd but no one had ever asked me that before. I had gotten an incredulous “Why?!”, a few laughs, both reactions often followed by a litany of reasons the listener didn’t believe in ‘sexual purity’ and would not date a virgin. Understandable, of course fair and I remain friends with many of these gentlemen. But, my husband was the first gentle man who seemed genuinely curious…about what drove my decisions.

Some people engage in premarital sex because of pressure and an inability to conceive an alternative. Our world is so driven by sin that God’s Word appears to be the aberration. Very few people believe you can make bold life choices without unfortunate consequences. Most of us believe we must sacrifice a portion of ourselves to be accepted, to be loved, to be wanted. This is a lie. Everything you need, you have. You do not need to be anyone different or do anything different to receive acceptance. You were designed in love, knitted with deliberation and sent for a purpose. Somewhere along the line, the world convinces us that we do not have value. The world encourages us to attach self-value only when we are connected to something it defines as worthy. But, this measurement is artificial! The world defines its own matrix for determining value…forgetting that unlike things, people have value in themselves. Meaning, you don’t need to be, have or do anything to be valuable. Nothing at all. Merely by existing you are proof that you are invaluable, worthy, loved and accepted.

Listen, I recently learnt that the reproductive process of the body is one of the most wasteful human processes. Many women lose pregnancies before they are even aware that they are pregnant. Eggs are wasted every month in the menstruation cycle, as is sperm in different ways. The building blocks of life are lost every second around the world. So, for any human to go through the biology of life and survive the journey to make it here, for anyone to be here on earth, you are wanted and needed, exactly as you are. You don’t need to amend, snip and reduce yourself for anyone or anything. I used the example of virginity, such an archaic concept to some but to me representative of a promise I made to God to be deliberate about the choices I made in this space. Before the twitter thugs come at me, I don’t think marriage was the great reward for that. I don’t think there was any reward for that because obedience is its own reward. I use the example because often we think we need to prune ourselves to fit into the box the world presents us. We don’t. We do not. We can be exactly who we decide we want to be, and the rest of the world will conform. Why? Because the world was created for us, not the other way around. Creativity is one of the things the bible refers to when it says we are made in the image of God. Creativity is an expression of the god and the God, in us.  We can create the world we want to see. We need to create in our own corner of the earth, the life WE want. You must not take everything because it is given. Create your own rules and walk in them. You will see that you ignite others to do the same. And soon, you will find your tribe. Because, there is someone somewhere who will meet you and say,

“She reminds me of who I am.”