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“As a man, if I’m making $10, I wouldn’t marry a lady that is not making at least $8. Don’t let any woman hide their financial lack under your roof. It is meant to be iron sharpening with iron. Not Iron sharpening wood. The world has opportunities for both genders, financial success is not a male inherited gene…And if you want to use the bible as an excuse for men being the sole provider in a family. Are you ready to be a biblical wife?”

I saw this comment under an article on Bellanaija, written by columnist Nkem Ndem. I read it because it had the most comments. I really ought to stop using that as the basis for determining interesting articles, because from my experience Nigerian social media users love salacious, vacuous and malicious, news.

I’m not sure what that says about me. Lol.

This Bellanaija article was simply about the term ‘gold digger’. Apparently beloved, the difference between a gold digger and a ‘financially mature’ woman is that the former wants a man ONLY for his money. A financially mature woman, according to the article, wants a man for other things as well as his money. Who’s laughing?! The writer minced not a word when she declared,

“I will not date a man whose bank account is less robust than mine.”

Very fair: We must all have our dating benchmarks and it is important for an individual to be honest about their preferences.

The article made me think about money and relationships. My take is simple. I think we focus on the wrong thing. Money is nothing but a tool. We elevate it to a status symbol, to an identifier of who is worthy of our attention. Which is hilarious because if a rich man died and willed all his money to a goat…it’d still be a goat, no? Money is no indicator of a person’s value or principles or capacity…or even their ability to make more money. The bible says love covers a multitude of sins but world people will say money covers everything. Again, money is nothing but a tool. Let’s stop elevating it.

Secondly, money is fluid. Especially in lawless third world economies like Nigeria. In our country a person can march straight from the prison yard to the presidential seat, with the right connections. It has been done. Twice. Marrying someone based on what they have today is a faulty basis for a relationship. Companies shred, jobs change, people evolve. If you marry someone because of what they have now, how do you sustain your relationship when that is lost? In Nigeria, every change of government brings new millionaires and dunks many back into poverty. Imagine your love being tied to something as fickle as Nigerian politics. This is a typical story line.

Boy meets Girl. Boy has three figure salary. Girl refuses Boy. Boy’s relative is involved in aggressive politicking. Boy’s relative makes it big by brute force. Boy is carried along in no discernible capacity but profits from the criminality through contracts. Girl Loves Boy. Election comes. Boy’s Relative is witch-hunted by new government and falls from power. Boy loses money. Boy meets Girl. Boy has three figure salary. Girl…

Now what?

Finally, when choosing a partner don’t pick someone with good money. Marry someone with a good attitude to money. That is critical and there is a material difference. Someone with good money might have a bad, wasteful, illogically frugal or worshipful attitude to money. If a person doesn’t know how to manage money, you won’t get a lot of it for long. If a person is stingy, you ain’t getting none. If a person treats money in a worshipful manner, they will do desperate and immoral things to get it. A partner with a bad attitude to money cannot share. A person that cannot share cannot be happily married. Periodt.

I remember telling my mum about my husband when we started dating. Initially, I wasn’t sure she was listening until I said, “He gives me half his salary to keep.” She stopped, turned and said, “He what?!” Lol. An Igbo man? Lol. Most people are deeply attached to money, especially money you earned with your blood, sweat and tears. For me, being able to share what you have with someone you care for, was a good sign of a healthy relationship with money. That attitude had a reciprocal effect on me. I understood that there was a high level of responsibility and accountability required because the money in my possession was the representation of diligence, sacrifice and trust. I didn’t take that for granted and respected and loved Obi’m even more for it.

So those are some of my thoughts on money before marriage. I’ll talk about money after marriage in my next post. I know there are hotly contested debates online on having joint accounts or keeping secret stashes for the rainy day, so stay tuned!

(Happy Valentine’s y’all!)