Here’s the message I shared on my radio show The Refuge (Rhythm 93.7, 8-9pm every Sunday) on Sunday:

I listened to a show yesterday headlined by one bishop and two evangelists. And no, I didn’t do air quotes when I said those titles, even though not one scripture was shared between these three persons for the entire 30 minutes I listened. What was indeed heaped in record numbers was the shame and disgust they feel for this generation of women. They berated, insulted, dissected and accused young women, warning them to “…stop selling themselves cheap”. The criticism was in the words of philosopher Thomas Hobbes, “…nasty, brutish and short.” They lectured young women for minutes on end about pre-marital sex, pregnancies without commitment, co-habitation and abortion, to name a few ‘major crimes’ detailed.

I listened in interest because at some point, I expected two evangelists- both of whom were female-, and a male bishop to share the Goodnews of Christ: The mercy and kindness that compels wandering souls, actual or perceived, to come to a God that loves unconditionally. That didn’t happen but that was my first expectation. The second thing I hoped to hear, I did not hear either.

I waited, desperate to hear about the other parties in the stories shared, because at no point were these women accused of same-sex affairs. Meaning, these women were engaged in consensual activities with members of the opposite sex, affairs with men. So, logically I asked myself, where is the challenge to the men? The berating, insulting, dissecting and accusing for young men, where did they reserve it? At a point, the leading preacher said, “And now to the men!” and I thought “Aha, here we go!” But even the stern warning to the men…was focused on women as she said, “Men can have children even at 75 so young lady remember to think!”

Well that really made me think! In 2017, at the first Obama Foundation summit, Michelle Obama considered whether we are protecting our male children to the point of enabling entitlement. “We love our boys and we raise our girls,” Obama said. She suggested that the same strength and focus we use to raise girls, needs to be defined in a way that doesn’t aid misogyny, but upholds positive values when it comes to boys.” And I agree. We need to reach a balance. It seems like as a world, we sometimes give excuses when we see bad behaviour in men and even blame their partners for the actions of such men. Now let me be clear, if women are making poor decisions concerning their wombs, hearts and heads, then those are their choices. My issue is, if we are penalizing women for making these poor choices, we need to in the same way, examine the group with whom these poor choices are being made.

Yesterday’s show for instance, had an analogy of a woman who had committed herself to a man who promised her marriage. This woman it appeared, loved the man and desired to be his wife. This man had expressly informed her that he wanted to be her husband but due to his finances, they had to wait to be married. On that premise, the young lady began to perform wifely duties including moving into the house of the said gentleman, sharing her funds and future, her body and her time with him. Soon she became pregnant and was asked by her gentleman friend to have an abortion as he did not want a child out of wedlock. She did this unwillingly…only to find a few months later her husband-to-be had impregnated a young girl in their neighborhood and was in the process of marrying her.

Now, remember two evangelists, one bishop. I was surprised to find that the entire focus of the panelists’ wrath was on the perceived stupidity of the lady in question. It made me genuinely sad because if I was in such a lofty spiritual position, I would honestly be concerned about the soul of both people, particularly the man because the number of his sins are technically greater than the woman’s, if we are keeping score.

Let’s take it step by step. Both are guilty of the sin of fornication. But only one person is guilty of unkindness. A person, naively, foolishly, negligently, takes your word at face value and trusts in your promise to be marry them. Taking you as a man of your word, as a person with integrity, she moves into your house and I agree, recklessly puts herself in a vulnerable position. Additionally, at your insistence, she decides to terminate a gift from God you both were given but YOU her gentleman friend, did not want. Knowing the harm this person has put herself in because of a blind faith in your perceived authenticity and integrity, you still go out of your way to put her in harm’s way by fornicating with a second person, impregnating this person and breaking off your gentleman’s agreement- which is based on trust and honour- with one woman to marry the second?! And the woman is to blame?! The man did these things. And no one on that panel even thought to mention this. It was swept under the “Boys will be boys category”. All blame was heaped on the woman and her perceived stupidity. It made me sad because when will we, as a society, begin to call our young men to more? When will we stop letting people get away with unkindness and a lack of integrity, because “boys must be boys”.

I have a son, and I pray by the grace of God that I can raise him to be the sort of man that God looks down and smiles at. We don’t understand that as a nation, a generation, a world, things cannot get better until we begin to call each other, every single one of us, to higher standards.

Now to all the young men listening, listen as a young man, there are things society tells you about yourself. My husband said to me recently, there needs to be a campaign for the boy child. There is abuse, there is peer pressure, great fear to conform and succeed in the way society describes success for our men. Our young men are increasingly going into depression because they live in a society that equates substance to finance. Men are under extreme pressure and do not have the channels for support. Young men, do not let these things define you. God said directly to Jeremiah,

Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you.

Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you (not just plans):

A prophet to the nations— (i.e a proclaimer of the will of God NOT a pulpit pastor oh!) that’s what I had in mind for you.”

7-8 God told Brother Jerry, “Don’t say, ‘I’m only a boy.’ I’ll tell you where to go and you’ll go there. I’ll tell you what to say and you’ll say it. Don’t be afraid of a soul. I’ll be right there, looking after you.”

God’s Decree. God reached out, touched my mouth, and said, “Look! I’ve just put my words in your mouth—hand-delivered! See what I’ve done? I’ve given you a job to do among nations and governments—a red-letter day! Your job is to pull up and tear down, take apart and demolish, And then start over, building and planting.”

-Jeremiah 1: 1

Pull down and tear down, take apart and demolish means to destroy the old ways, including the old ideas of “Boys will be boys”. And then, start over, building and planting. Boys must become men. The only boys that stay boys are the boys that die, the ones that don’t grow. So men, do not let the devil use you in a way that God has not designed you to be used. The trickery that is often used to deceive women and get your way will succeed for you in this world, after all this world is corrupted by the Enemy. But, there is a higher standard you need to call yourself to so you can achieve all that God created you for. And you might think you have wealth and you are taking advantage of people who want to be used anyways. But, when He looks to the earth, how he counts the usefulness of a person as impact not finance. You do not know if you are the only bible someone else sees. So those little acts of deceit, unfaithfulness, unkindness are teaching someone else a poor lesson, and God will hold you accountable for those souls. We must not forget that.

To the women who have may have made what in hindsight might be considered as poor choices. Also to the many men who have made foolish decisions. And to the panelists of yesterday, I will leave you with this story.

The religious scholars led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery to Jesus. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, “Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?” They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him.

6-8 Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, “That is fine, you should stone her in line with this important law of Moses. Let me only make one request. The one without sin among you, go first: Throw the stone.” Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt.

9-10 Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest. The woman was left alone. Jesus stood up and spoke to her. “Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?”

11 “No one, Master.”

“Neither do I,” said Jesus. “Go on your way. From now on, don’t sin.”

That’s John 8:1-11

I love Jesus. In one breath he shows mercy and yet justice. He says, I know what you have done, and I don’t condemn you. Pick up from where we are now, go on your way and continue this journey of life. But from now on, change your ways. From now on, don’t sin. I don’t condemn you but I don’t condone your sin. Stand up, try again.

Photo Credit: Darling.com