(I started writing this on Valentine’s Day (I AM SORRRRRYYY) but didn’t get a chance to post it…and can’t be bothered to edit the now irrelevant portions. So, enjoy I guess?)

Today, in the spirit of Saint Valentine, I’m going to be writing about… grief.

LOL, gotcha!

(And btw if you just murmured, “It’s cool Wends, love IS grief anyways!” Lol, then I can’t help you, bruh). For real, Happy Valentine’s or Valentimes  Day to you my lovelies! In my lifetime, I have pendulum’d (poetic license please!) between loving Feb 14^th and hating it from my soul’s floor. So, I understand. If you’re enjoying the day with your special someone, good on you! Live it up and put the Instagram Boomerang down for a moment. If you’re spending the day single, it is totally fine to insist that this is a commercialized holiday sent from hell to mock the solo riders. Chin up baby, it’s a passing season!

I JUST realized today’s Ash Wednesday as well! Haha! So a post on grief is actually timely! “Ash Wednesday involves placing ash…on the heads of participants to the accompaniment of the words “Repent, and believe in the Gospel” or “Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”[4]” So today is actually a time for introspection and reflection. ( LOL, nobody wins y’all! If you’re spending V-Day ‘turnt’ and excited, I’m here to suggest sober reflection on grief. And, if you’re single and already wallowing in misery…you know what, I won’t even be mad if you just close this page in irritation right now! Yo, I’m an Equal Misery Dispenser. You’re welcome!).

So I feel compelled to talk about grieving together today not because I have experienced this a lot but because in the two major challenges of my life, I have learnt some fundamental things about grieving TOGETHER and I think this article might help someone.

Many of us tend to shut others out when we grieve. We’d prefer that. However, when one suffers a loss that affects a family unit or a relationship, grieving solo can not only be difficult, but also dangerous to the healthy restoration of the former whole. If you lose someone or are going through a difficult patch because of an incident, grief like guilt tells you to carry your cross alone and not stain others with the fragrance of your frustration. But this is a trick from Satan, beloved! Lol. And we are not ignorant of the wiles of the devil (2 Corinthians 2:11).

“…so that Satan will not outsmart us. For we are familiar with his evil schemes.”

Think about it, although a lion is more powerful than a gazelle, yet a lion will not attack a passing herd. Indeed, the gazelle that gets eaten by the lion… is the one that breaks rank. That’s because there is power in community but the devil would rather we singled ourselves out from sadness so that we are more vulnerable and open to attack. If you are depressed as a reasonable result of something painful that has happened in your life, it is already easy to be preyed upon. Your world has shifted and it is possible that your paradigm has changed, what or who was stable and sure is no longer what you thought, and so this is a time where old and solid ideas can be more readily replaced with new possibilities. You never thought your father would die, you never thought it could happen to you and then it does. And your while world tilts. You’re vulnerable to foreign and sometimes negative and dangerous thoughts. What better time for the devil to softly suggest that God does not exist and being good has no reward?

So, please don’t shut EVERYONE out. When we lost Ibiso, I noticed that I never saw any of my other sisters cry. And they never saw me cry. Because we were not heartbroken? No. We individually and without prompting, determined that we had to be strong for each other. So, the first time I realized how hurt one of my sister’s was, was when her friend rang and asked me to reach out to her because she had broken down on the phone to him. Yet when I spoke to her, she sounded fine. And that’s what we do because we love each other: We often stay stoic because we think the others need our strength. We fail to realise though, that those we love also need to see our vulnerability, our insecurity, sometimes they need to know that we are NOT ok and we don’t always have our **** together. Excusez mon français.

Why? Because that’s what breaks the levees. That’s what grants others the liberty to be their utmost truest, most honest selves with us. And sometimes that’s what it takes for healing to start.