My in-laws have this saying:

“Home is for Free Expression NOT Good Impression.”

And that’s probably how most of us think of family: As a place to be vulnerable. Family is room to vent, to expose the weirder, baser, possibly unacceptable and definitely questionable portions of our characters. Today’s challenge* is to write about your family. Initially, largely by virtue of being new to the marriage business, the family that immediately came to mind was daddy, mummy, my sisters: Anita, Hommy, Ibiso and Ossy who I have written about tons of times: here, here, here, here and so on. Just when I thought I didn’t have much left to say about my family (is that truly possible?), I realized that that’s no longer ALL of my family! I now have two brothers, an additional sister and parents…not to talk of a grand number of new aunties and uncles, thanks to marriage.

I was about sixteen the first time I read an article in the Vanguard where a lady espoused the theory of strictly dating men whose mothers were dead because she cannot come and go and die she didn’t want to deal with the tensions she’d heard come with mother-in-laws. I looked up from the paper that day and tossed the story to my mum to test her reaction. I can’t forget, she looked up and said something to the effect, “People that think like that destroy their homes themselves.” That thought stayed with me.

I know people have tragic in-law stories but I have the sort of in-laws that for instance hear my electricity trips off when my husband isn’t home, and drop everything they’re doing to show up -tool box in hand- to sort me out. In spite of my protests. In fact, I can hear over the phone my mother-in-law shouting across to my sister and brother-in-law, “Hurry up and get to the house, I don’t want Wendy to be alone in the darkness or for her to be afraid!” That type of love. I think this is due to three things. One, God. Obviously, because He knows that I am a lover not a fighter biko! Two, I married into a genuinely good family. And I don’t use ‘good’ the way Nigerians use the term when it comes to marriage, namely to mean ‘rich and socially prominent’ family. Lol. I mean a decent, try-our-best-to-do-no-harm-to-others-but-live-right type of good. And finally, I have amazing in-laws…because on some level Obi’m made them. Lol yes, really. From the time we were dating, he prioritized me to them so if you wanted (or want) to get a thrashing from my husband, be mean to me. No lie. And I think this third point is fundamental when it comes to family acceptance. A lot of people trash-talk their spouses to their ‘maiden’ families particularly during a fight, forgetting that when the dust settles and matters have been resolved, your family who loves you and wants to protect you always, still has a poor opinion of your spouse thanks to your heated utterances.

And people will treat your spouse the way you tell them.

Speaking of in-laws and new families, it’s funny that when you’re with someone, it’s so easy to forget that they come from somewhere, that you are quite possibly not the only one that loves them or the only one dependent on them for affection, care or even affirmation. So, it can come as a surprise to get married and truly realise the responsibility you have as a spouse to share your significant other…with others.

The way I deal with this is I always think of how close-knit my family is and I imagine how I’d feel if Obi’m robbed me of the advice, comfort or support of my family, if he made me choose between him and them, if he didn’t manage in someway to view our marriage/our relationship as a sacred part..but still just a part of a fundamental whole. I realized I’d be unhappy, because my ‘maiden’ family mean a lot to me. So, I figured I have a responsibility to ensure that he remains close to his family, that I become part of his family because if they are important to him it makes sense that they’d be important to me. A lot of people come into families and forget quickly that their significant other, before your triumphant arrival, had always relied on his mum for emotional support or his dad for affirmation. Sometimes we come in and we expect to be everything to our partners, growing jealous of those who by virtue of shared history and time have a different knowledge of our significant other. A different knowledge. Not necessarily a better or more important knowledge. We have to understand our space…and be willing to give others their space in the hearts of those we love. To guard what we love too jealously is like holding a bird in your palm to protect it, but in a bid to prevent the bird from flying away or others from stealing the bird from you, you keep your palm closed…eventually suffocating the bird. Love driven by fear is a dangerous thing.

The scripture we chose for our wedding is this one:

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
 -1 John 4:18

It’s not the easiest balancing act juggling your maiden family, your ‘in-loves’ as we say on these politically correct e-streetz and your budding little family with your spouse, because each of these three family circles has expectations of you. It can be difficult if someone doesn’t understand that while you’re still very much a family, your responsibility points have expanded, you know? It’s not the easiest line to straddle without feeling like you’re dropping the ball on one end to catch it on the other, sometimes. I always think about it as not losing one family but gaining, adding two more to what I already have: one ready-made and the other I’m creating daily. It’s really helpful to get a wise balance, and it’s amazing when everyone agrees that changes have occurred…because change is not always for the worse.

In fact change, of the non-APC variety, is really, really good.

*Challenge: I skipped some writing topics on the Blog Challenge list…because dry.