In a bid to get back to the flow of things, let’s resume the Blogging Challenge shall we? Day Six is “5 PET PEEVES”. I like to think that I’m not one to get readily peeved by many things but my husband, sisters and friends might say:

I know, I know, I can be rather irritable and so I’m sure if I think about it, my list of pet peeves might be distressingly long. BUT for some reason, despite my best efforts, I find that I can only think of three things that annoy me tremendously.

1. PEOPLE WHO SLURP DRINKS

Interestingly, in Nigeria I don’t think this is recognised as bad table manners so most people don’t actually regard this as a ‘thing’ at all. This, of course, only makes it worse. Many people think slurping is a natural defense to a hot beverage, but kneegroes and gentlefolks let me tell you, there are ways to imbibe of that liquid without announcing to the world at large the actions of  your tongue and teeth!

I recently sat through one of the most painful engagements of my existence: A meeting with old Nigerian men cradling large mugs of hot Lipton. One older gentleman TWO seats to my right clearly believed he had a monopoly on listening in that meeting because he spent the entire 2 hours engaging in such loud slurps from a giant jug that I figured he was deliberately trying to eradicate all other sounds from the room. So I did the only logical thing, attempted to stare him into embarrassment.

He just looked back at me and continued slurping. Casually.

Lol, just kill me.

2. LOUDNESS

I recently moved offices and I am now forced to endure the daily tortue inflicted by a young man who has no idea what an INDOOR voice might mean. He is forever sermonizing  in booming tones like a Texan visitor on the London Underground (what is up with Americans on the Tube?! Lol like how do you not get that everyone keeps their tones to a considerate dulcet medium? If I can hear you over the rustling of the beaten rail tracks, you are too loud yankeedoodle!). And loud people in the office I find, always want to be involved in every conversation, dominate every discussion and slam their opinions into every person’s brain. Permission or not. Don’t get me started on their telephone conversations. It is hell in an open plan office. “Ah ah Mummy Iyabor, how daddy? No, no it’s ok, I can talk, I am in my office. Did you get the plantain and garri I sent through Chiboy?”

*As Wendy silently transfers aggression to the innocent keys of her keyboard*

3. NOSE PICKERS

When Ossy was a baby, she learnt this nursery rhyme at school that went, “Piggy on the railroad, picking up stones, along came an engine and broke piggy’s bones…” Considering the chit could not roll her Rs properly, her rendition of the poem was the cutest thing…until she started singing this rhyme at everything and anyone that she surmised to be dirty, including any of her sisters caught digging for gold in their nasal cavity.

It’s something that’s stuck with me and every. Single. Time I see someone pick their nose, Ossy’s song goes off like a gong in my head…accompanied by deep disgust and sincere distress. Because I just want to know, where will you wipe that bogey off?! Most people will never make it to the bathroom, to the bar of soap and bowl of water required to wash away the offerings of the nose. Most dear friends, will simply wipe their nasal sacrifice…on the nearest surface. *Shudders*

Again, another thing that one too many Nigerians do not consider a bad habit!

So vile.

Bonus point: Now this one was going to be high on my pet peeves list until I came across this post on Instagram yesterday:

Mispronouncing words isn’t my pet peeve because, hey how often do I make enunciation mistakes myself ?! (A lot, is the answer FYI). But it made me pause (just a little) in my grammar policing. Honestly, what I really get tired of, is graduates mixing tenses, failing to conjugate, ignoring subject-verb agreements…generally ignoring BASIC grammar rules! Now don’t come for me (unless I send for you, momma!), don’t tell me about the failing Nigerian educational system or about English not being some people’s first language and certainly don’t relate the economic situation in Nigeria to the abysmal grammar failure of the average Nigerian youth. Here’s why I won’t listen to you:

Many Nigerians between the ages of 13-34, have access to the internet but would rather suffer death by hanging than use it to improve themselves…when there’s still so much pouting, posing and publicizing of foolishness to be done on these rabid internet streets.

Until we decide to utilize the educational potential (not potentialS, Nigerians!) of the internet, we won’t stop the electrifying English we are forever speaking. Starting from the basic self-introduction:

“My names are…”