Day 2 of the 30 Day Writing Challenge asks that I write about:

An Issue You Feel Strongly About

So here go my thoughts on the issue of FIGHTING CORRECTLY.

My chosen topic is a bit of a weird but it’s necessary to talk about. Lol yes, you read right. “Fighting correctly”, because believe it or not ladies and gentlemen, there is a proper way to fight. You might remember that a few months ago, we spoke about LOVING correctly and today we are talking about FIGHTING correctly because those two go hand in hand. If you want to love your spouse, significant other, family or friends correctly, you must also understand how to properly manage conflict when it arises. And it must arise. Additionally, I thought I’d tackle this topic because we get a lot of messages on my radio show from listeners asking questions like, “I am always fighting with my wife, she never listens to me.” Or “My parents are very hard to talk to, not matter how many times I repeat a thing, they just want their way or no way!” and even some from very tired friends who just can’t get past a particular insult another friend used on them during a fight. Things like that made me think of tackling this topic.

First, conflict is inevitable. Meaning that even life on Mars comes with its own challenges, how much more here on Earth where we all have different psyches, backgrounds and motives? And that’s the first thing about dealing with conflict properly. Remember, no two people are the same. And two people may see the same thing very differently, simply because we are a sum of our individual experiences. So when you are arguing, remember that the other person isn’t disagreeing with you because they’re stupid (this is of course always a distinct possibility) or just want to annoy you, but they are seeing things through different eyes and from a perspective that is not similar to yours. If you want to truly understand your partner, friend or parents, anyone really, try and put yourself in their position first: Learn to empathise. It will teach you to see things from a new point of view. It’s a trick that good lawyers use. If you bring a case to a good law firm, when they are drafting their own originating summons or initial documents, they will prepare themselves internally by considering all the arguments the other side might come up with. They do this by putting themselves in the position of the other person, trying to look through his eyes to see what he’s seeing. When you do that, you can truly understand where the other person is coming from and you’ll have a better idea on how to convince them or win them to your side.

This brings us to our second point. Winning your spouse or the other person over to your side should not be the point of an argument. If you care about the other person, the point of each argument should be to grow your relationship and I use the word ‘relationship’ widely. Parents for instance, when you argue with your grownup children, the point should not merely be to teach them a lesson or reassert your authority, but to deepen mutual understanding and your relationship by getting a clearer understanding of why this child thinks the way he or she does. Same thing with spouses. The point of arguing is not merely so that she will know that you ‘…are the man’, or just to make a point. If you want a good and happy relationship, focus on arguing with purpose. It sounds funny but each argument should bring you two closer because an argument is often a rare moment of vulnerability and a great opportunity to give you a clearer and better understanding of the mindset and way of reasoning of the other person.

That’s why it’s important to argue well.

If you handle conflicts well and argue properly, you will find that the resolution of each argument actually makes your relationship stronger.

If every argument devolves into a shouting match, an abuse session, a time to embarrass the other person by flinging their secrets or throwing their worst vulnerabilities at them, you will end up with a relationship that is built on shaky legs, distrustful and largely unhappy. It might last long but you might not be very happy.  You might even find that after the argument, when everyone has apologised and made up, some of the hurtful things that have been said will continue to haunt you and even shape your behaviour and attitude to the relationship in future.

So how, do we fight correctly to avoid these things? I have four suggestions.

• STICK TO THE FACTS: Yeah their momma’s a one eye-toad and walks like a duck. We don’t need the details. Stick to the facts.

• KEEP IT KIND (K.I.K): One of my favourite quotes is “It’s nice to be important but it’s more important to be nice” and that’s the truth. Unless the point of the discussion is to hurt the other person, in which case you really have no business being with that person, keep your words kind. An argument is not the place to bring up all their insecurities and weaknesses, whether they shared them with you in their vulnerable moments or you discovered them on your own. Keep it kind. An argument is not a place to belittle, demean or destroy the other. Stick to the facts and keep it kind.

• RESPECT THE RING: Additionally, I heard pastor Lanre Oluseye at House on the Rock church, say during a service that there is a difference between a boxing ring and a street fight. In a street fight, there are no rules, you can bring out a bottle or a knife or just casually drop a bomb and run. But in a boxing match, rules exist. You must wear gloves. An umpire must be present. Fists only. Indeed there is a way that you will fight in a boxing ring and everyone will yell foul! That’s the same thing in fighting in relationships. Your words can be a bottle, a knife or even a bomb. Some of us can kill each other with the things we say. How can we claim to love and treat each other like that? James speaks on bridling the tongue, because to his way of thinking, a tongue that can spew such good yet such horrendous heights of evil is not one that can be trusted.
  

  “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness.¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. ” -James 3:9

Lol the man is tired. I legit cracked up when I read the first line of this chapter. James is just tired of the bad behaviour from these new Christians, he’s like biko y’all: “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers…” #Whelp

• Finally, if you want to fight correctly kneegroes and gentlefolks, don’t say anything to your loved one…that you couldn’t say to your boss. At home, we fashion our words into taloned notes capable of tearing even the most insulated hide. We shred the confidence, joy, peace of mind of those we love yet we’ll finish and justify this by saying that we were angry. Yet at work no matter how upset we are, most of us can still (magically, fellow unicorns! Magi. cuh. lly) find the willpower to moderate our responses to our bosses! Simply because our jobs are our financial investment. But, what about your emotional investments? Our mental wellbeing? You might seize to be an employee but you’ll never stop being a father or wife or friend or sister, so value your relationships as highly and fight correctly.

Fighting correctly is a skill guys, it really is. It doesn’t come easily to me and honestly I just keep asking God to teach me. Sometimes, fighting fairly and dealing with conflict correctly can make you come off as weak or foolish to others but hey, our boss is in heaven and His standards are different from the world’s. If you desire the skill and DISCIPLINE (!!!) to fight correctly, then speak to God. The Bible refers to God as the giver of all good and perfect gifts (James 1:17). He is a God who gives gifts without repentance (Romans 11:29), meaning He doesn’t take back His goodness. So, ask Him for the Holy Spirit, part of whose job description is guidance. Jesus says:

“But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost whom the Father will send in my name. [The Holy Spirit] shall teach you all things and bring all things to remembrance, what I have said unto you.” -John 14:16

Meaning that not only will He teach you, but when you need it the most (read: in the midst of an argument when your inner ratchet is calling forth the Pimp Slap gifting of your right arm), He will cause you to remember all that He has taught you.

That’s reassuring.