I host a radio shows on Sundays (yes, really :)) and a few weeks ago, I spoke about ‘Love & Loving Correctly’, a topic I’ve shared before here. The response was overwhelming. I think one thing that really registered with our listeners was what we shared on MODELLING instead of DEMANDING. It’s the idea that instead of DEMANDING the love you think you deserve, you could try MODELLING the love you want to see, because the most powerful force we wield in changing anyone else, is our example. That discussion made me realise how important this love thing is. It is one topic we can all relate to and something most of us seem to want to experience. So I figured I’d share a little more of my thoughts on love.

Obi’m made a very controversial statement recently and I had to agree. While at dinner with friends at RSVP (which is so typically Lagos btw: Overpriced |Fancy Cover | Zero Content), Obi’m said:

“Love is terrible!”

So I broke a bottle and went for his jugular! Not really.  I nodded and told our surprised friends that I agree with him. “Love IS terrible”. It’s true. Love is horrible and painful and the job of loving is very hard. The Bible describes real love like this:

⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

-1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

If I could have chosen the components of love for the bible, I’d have written my preference of love like this instead. I would have said:

‘Love is simple, uncomplicated. Easy. Love is wealth. Love is letting me have my way. In love nothing wrong happens because love is too powerful for that. Love is sweet, love is happiness, love is consistent peace of mind. Love is stress-free, love is exciting. LOVE IS FUN.”

-1 Wendelyn 13: None

But the Bible, a fountain of wisdom, knows that real love isn’t really these things. Love is hard. Love is constant sacrifice, real love isn’t often a lot of fun. It is tiring; love is constantly forgiving a thousand petty annoyances and consistently letting go of your right to be angry. Love is not attending every battle you’re invited to even when your strong arm is itching to throat punch a kneegrow :). Love is demanding, it asks for all else even after you’ve given it your last. Love expects so much…yet still wants more. Love takes everything.

The only good thing about love, the only time love makes sense, is when the person you are sacrificing for is doing the same. And this is what Obi’m has taught me. Indeed the only time love is beautiful is when it is returned in the same measure. Forget the movies and fairy tale books, real love between two people is sacrifice, giving up your needs for the other person’s wants, letting go of your right to be wrong, rooting for the other person to win even when you’re losing. This. Is. Incredibly. Difficult. The only thing that makes such sacrifice, such giving bearable is the understanding that the other person is fighting the same battle internally, for your sake just like you are.

Requited love, love that is given back, is the best feeling in the world. It elevates, inspires, and motivates you. It makes you want to do more, dream bigger, try harder. The love we speak about as a world often has very little to do with the Biblical description of love. The world’s love is insular; it focuses on getting; getting the other person’s attention, time, affection, focus, possessions, money. God’s type of love encourages giving; your attention, time, affection, focus, possessions, money. When the Bible talks about love, it is not playing. Love is serious business and potentially the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do because it requires that you unlearn everything you know and ‘reset to default’ first. It needs you to remove everything the world teaches you first. To love someone else correctly, you can’t afford to think any of the following common phrases. “ Men are dogs…”, “This life na per head…” (or its variants. Lol), “Never trust a woman…”. If you think like that, you will never be able to free yourself to love because cyniscm will take you into self-preservation mode and this will not let you love or be loved. You will never be able to give any one the benefit of doubt or love honestly because you will always be suspicious of the motives of others.

I know so many people have been hurt so the tendency to be self-protective is high, but nothing good comes easy. Everything in life is a risk. Business people will tell you, the investments with the greatest benefits often require the greatest risk. Security is both a delusion and an illusion. Helen Keller says it best,

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”

If you’re still not sure, take William Shakespeare’s advice on loving. He says,

“If you love and get hurt, love more.

If you love more and hurt more, love even more.

If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more.”

In wrapping up today’s message, I’ll say this. I’ve heard a lot of people say that the love described in 1 Corinthians 13 is actually a divine love and unattainable by human beings. That’s possible. BUT, since we are called to model our lives after Jesus- the Divine One- we must try to attain this perfect love. And this is doable if we really understand and apply the meaning of this 1 Corinthians love to our lives.

So for instance when the Bible says ‘Love is patient’ it means there are no exceptions or excuses to being patient when you truly love. That is to say that sometimes when you love someone you put in the work required to make the relationship work and often this calls for patience. We have spoken here about habits and how hard some behaviours are to break so when you, for instance, see your spouse honestly working towards letting go of some bad habits, be patient. Don’t berate, mock, discourage…remember “Love is patient.”

Love is kind. Fullstop. The bible doesn’t give a context for kindness, it doesn’t say “…love is kind actions”. It says love is kind because love IS kind thoughts, kind words, kind actions.  If you love someone it doesn’t matter how angry you are, you will never let your words consistently destroy them or steal their self-esteem, no matter how angry you are. You will speak kindly OF them, you will speak kindly TO them correcting them in love even when they are wrong. The Bible refers to one of God’s qualities as Loving Kindness. This is one of my favourite characteristics of God. Loving Kindness refers to a love that expresses itself through acts of kindness. What a beautiful thought and how much more beautiful would life be if we did the same to each other?

The Bible goes on to say ‘Love is not jealous’ meaning YOUR success is OUR success, man or woman, when YOU shine WE shine. I recently heard this quote:

“When ‘We’ replaces ‘I’, even Illness becomes Wellness.”

Real love, the Bible says is not “…boastful or proud or rude…” I laugh here because people often relate pride to just men but trust me the pride of a woman is like the mythical leviathan; latent, not often seen but powerful to behold. In love, there is no pride. You do ALL it takes to make that thing work and all it takes might involve knees getting intimate with floors. Just saying.

Love “…does not demand its own way.” Meaning Love understands that you have your preferred way but love is malleable, open to change and willing adapt if it’s for the common good. Obi’m said to me once, “In a relationship, we’re not fighting to win. So don’t fight like you want to lose everything.” And it makes sense. In a relationship it doesn’t matter who is right or who wins, it’s more important to be kind and fair than to be right and win. If you always have the betterment of each other in mind, even when you argue you’ll never argue simply to be proven right.

Finally, 1 Corinthians 13 says “Love keeps NO record of wrongs…” Love is not stupidity. Love understands when it has been wronged…yet deliberately chooses to start afresh daily and give the other person the benefit of doubt. This is incredibly hard and before you say, “God, You cannot expect me to do this!” let me confirm to you that He does. How do I know? That verse ends like this:

“Love NEVER gives up, NEVER loses faith, Love is AWLAYS hopeful and endures through every circumstance.”

Is love easy? No. Is love doable? Yes. Is love worth it? Without a shred of doubt, yes.

I love this 1 Corinthians 13 portion of the bible but I always remind people to read the bible in context especially on such powerful issues. Remember that while the bible talks about this enduring love, the bible also cautions us in 1 Phillippians 9:11:

“Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus would be proud of.”

So please think wisely before you fall in love, because to God, love is serious business.