At work on Friday afternoon, my phone pinged in quick succession as four of my closest girlfriends sent the same link with four variations of the same shocked question scribbled underneath, “HAVE YOU READ THIS?!” They all seemed to shout through their phones and across the kilometers separating us. THIS, was the allegation of a fellow Loyola Jesuit College alumnus, writing under the pen name Sugabelly, that she had been gang raped at 17 by a group comprised of the children of some of Nigeria’s most powerful politicians.

Before opening the link, I calmly responded to my friends’ hysteria because I knew OF her story. I’d chanced upon her blog and read snippets of some sexual abuse she had referenced in earlier blog posts. In fact, I stopped reading after a few posts because her carefully masked nonchalance to these incidents concerned me. Her approach to tackling some controversial topics made me certain that though clearly a courageous woman, this was a girl with personal demons left to be exorcised. I figured my friends were just catching up on the blog posts I’d read earlier.

Then I opened the link…

…and breath puffed out of me in short, startled bursts. Suddenly I understood why she had been trending on Twitter! In graphic detail, she had explained a series of brutal, almost bestial rapes by a gang led by a man she described as her boyfriend at the time. A 25 year old man had led his 17 year old pawn into a world of frightening debauchery the likes of which I was frightened to hear about in Nigeria. Just as startling is the fact that this girl had just dragged the children of some of Nigeria’s political elite.  She didn’t stop there but systematically addressed some of the worst criticism I have read heaped on a person; dealing each barb the bite it deserved while explaining her side of the story, before concluding her hydra-headed attack with up-to-date pictures of the young men.

If nothing else, this type of reckless courage seems to stem from a person with nothing left to lose and should pull a grudging respect from most.

I’m not here to determine the veracity of her story. That’s not for me to do, I’m not her confessor. My concern is what this whole situation revealed about the Nigerian attitude to rape. In fact for me the true story lies in the comment sections of the many blogs it was reposted on, in the retweets and response to tweets on Twitter and in the many conversations her courage began. Did you see how many people anonymously responded:

“I was also raped at age…”?

That was another reason I stopped reading her blog originally. It tore my heart to think of the number of people who read the things she posted and connected immediately, because as dramatic and unrealistic as her story sounds to some…how unlikely is it to happen to someone you know?

And that’s my first point. Sugabelly could be anyone. I’m the oldest sibling to four amazing younger sisters. Her story caused my heart to quake when I thought how easily, anyone of these beautiful young women I love could have been cajoled, teased, seduced at 17 by a worldly twenty something year old. Here’s the thing, no matter how level-headed you are at 17, a man can turn your head with some attention, flattery and empty promises. Hell, some of us are welllll (WELL) past that age and are still holding interventions and séances untop of man matter! (Can I get an AMEN, ladies?! Lol.) Seriously, that we did not suffer some of what Sugabelly did is not as a result of our own principled goodness. I agree that some of it has to do with our collective security system; nosy mums, over-protective fathers, tell-tale aunties…it takes a village. For this young girl, the village square appears to have been empty. But, the fact remains that this is still a story of a younger, vulnerable person and an older, wiser one able to groom and capitalize on a situation. And that could happen to anybody. It could have been ME.

There have been many propositions as to how this happened. That Sugabelly was left to her own devices, perhaps abused as a child, was promiscuous…that is neither here nor there and all simply detract from the real issue. Rape does not happen to a certain type of person, or a person from a dysfunctional background or a person with no morals or a bad character. We demonise and vilify rape victims like this young woman because at the base of it we believe, we hope, we low-key pray that rape happens to a certain type of person. Because, to think otherwise might scare us into realizing how easily it could happen to us. So here is the truth:

ANYONE can be raped.

ANYONE of us can be raped. This could have happened to me, or you, or your sister.

You’re not special. You’re not better. You’re not different.

Perhaps when we realise that, we will grow some empathy to those who find themselves in this very hard situation.

Secondly, I noticed a lot of the comments seemed to assume that rape was the natural end to a promiscuous beginning. C’mon Son! Rape is non-consensual sex. Consent NOT sex is the operative thing. This means that as soon as consent is revoked in a sexual situation, a rape is in motion. Yes, I said it. That a situation has gone far does not make consent irrevocable. Ladies and gentlemen hear me clearly; you always reserve the right to say, “No”, no matter your sexual history, previous body count, reputation, current situation or vulnerability. I fear for the sort of world we’re giving birth into, where young men are taught that a woman never really knows what she wants and so behind every “No” lurks a silent “Yes”.

There are many things in this world that exist within the many grey crevices of the black and white scale. Consent is not one of them.

Consent is NOT one of them.

I see why some men who responded to Sugabelly’s post argued that what she described was rough consensual sex, not rape. After all, she stated that she was still in a relationship with her rapist after the events. For many men, a woman claiming a lack of consent only after the fact is a frightening thing for it can be easily abused by some. It is also a frightening thing because…if we agree that this is rape, perhaps some boys might  be forced to think back to a person or two who might have put herself in a situation where consent was only revoked when the deed had almost been completed. Making you a rapist? It’s hard to think about.

I found myself confused while reading comments from so many calling Sugabelly a slut, a whore, filth, a total nothing. I thought, “BUT what does that have to do with the alleged rape though?” Even a roadside prostitute still reserves the right to determine whose money she will take come the night. The issue being tabled is not whether Sugabelly is a slut or not. Are we saying that if she’s a slut, the men cannot be guilty of raping her? The name calling detracts from the matter at hand. The issue is this; did this girl freely consent to having sexual relations with her adult boyfriend and his friends? That she returned to see this boyfriend of hers doesn’t mean she consented to being pinned down and raped. Abuse is a strange thing, it will break all your defenses and confuse your reasoning…especially when you’re the volatile, angst-filled, self-obsessed mind of an average 17 year old girl.  At 17 you’re certain you’re at the cusp of blooming into womanhood and are so confident of your ability to handle what you think of as maturity, that a relationship with an older man is a delight. It takes a lot less than you’d think for a 17 year old to remain in an abusive situation. Add threats such as the exposure of nude pictures or ‘revenge porn’ and the like, and it’s quite easy to understand.

That a person consented to a certain sexual act is not a carte blanche allowing anything to be done to his or her person. Consent can be given and revoked within the same activity and in a matter of moments. Yes, really. Silence is NOT consent. Sadly, I noticed that more than one woman referred to Sugabelly as a “Shame to Womanhood” for presumably ‘…letting herself be raped’ among other things. Riddle me this Batman, is womanhood one singular thing to which all of us with vaginas automatically align? And when was this GWC (Global Womanhood Conference) in which we all determined what would constitute a shame to our haloed gender?

Nonsense! E be like say this human species no dey evolve at all. 

I’ll conclude with this, rape is as present and prevalent in our society as the litters of churches scattered about the nation. The reactions to her allegations showed clearly why so many women wrote of their own experiences in Sugabelly’s support, under the banner of Anonymous. We shame our victims into believing that they and they alone, must have done something to single them out for their rapist’s attention. So they labour under the tripatite weight of the rape, guilt and consuming shame. A guilt they have no need of and a shame they have no reason for. This potent cocktail soon becomes frustration, then spreads into anger…an anger which must come when they realise how fruitless it is to hope that their attackers will face justice in this Nigeria.

Some people raised concerns about the ‘manner’ in which Sugabelly shared her story. “Why now?” They asked. “Why by social media?”, “Why do it at all?” As one friend kept asking, “What is her end game?” I’d be surprised if there IS an endgame. I would hope someone who has peered so deeply into the abyss of human wickedness would be realistic enough to understand that in truth, the most she will probably get as recompense for the horror she has lived through will be the naming and shaming of her attackers. Because in Nigeria, justice lives anywhere but within the hollowed spaces of our police stations, or the fragile glass walls of our law firms or indeed the crumbling concrete of our law courts.

Trust me, I’m a lawyer. There will be no justice for Sugabelly in court. Perhaps the social sanctions and embarrassment her attackers face is all the power the Nigerian Karma has. For the Nigerian Karma is borne of a selfish, forgetful people. By this time next month, we would have moved on from this and the only ones who will be left to mourn are the victims of a godless and gutless nation.

Don’t believe me? Ask around on the first of next month.