Today’s post is part of my #CDWChallenge.

“I need to be kinder to myself.”

Aspiration for today, for this year…or until I achieve it.

I’m not good at making mistakes, yet I make them in epic fashion.

Sometimes because I should be wiser but I choose an easier road, sometimes because I don’t listen to myself, sometimes because I compare myself to others. Whatever the case, despite my cautiousness, I fall.

I remember my father telling me, as I rang him wailing like a suicidal banshee on the phone, the first time I failed an exam. Like I actually FAILED the exam. I was so surprised. You see until then the way it worked with God and I was that even when I didn’t do well enough to pass an exam; and by “…well enough” I mean I at least went a little above the pass mark but just not as far above, as cant-even-see-cut-off-mark-point-anymore as I wanted, I still managed to pass. This time I well and truly, failed. I was horrified. You can read more about that and how I finally dragged myself out of that sorrow in a much older post, it’s called ‘A Lot’. Anyways, I’m there sobbing the sort of sobs that have your ribs clashing together like cymbals thanks to the spasms your body is making and my dad responds with a quiet:

“I think this is good for you. Sometimes its good for things like this to happen to you when your life is consistently on an upward trajectory. Otherwise, you don’t know what it is to fall. You won’t know how to deal with failure. Look at how you’re crying over this small thing as if the world has ended, how will you handle a real life failure?”

I’d love to say that gave me pause, but no, I just increased the volume of my wails. Clearly the man did not hear what I said, “IIIIIII faiiiiiiled.” I moaned.

Lol.

I hate, hate, hate to not succeed at something I put my mind to! When that happens, it hurts, it humiliates, it haunts me. But life isn’t like that; it doesn’t give you everything just because you want it, despite how much you want it, or how much you try to force something to be a thing out of sheer will or desire. It may not happen. Sometimes I’m too stubborn to accept that.

When I don’t succeed at something I put my heart into, I am honestly discombobulated. I’m proper #INeverHesperrerit. I tend to overanalyse, agonising over every little detail and catastrophising everything that happened as I replay every moment and have more than enough ‘espirit d’escaliers’ discussions with myself. It takes people with a little wisdom and a lot of objectivity to say, “Wendy, stop.” (Whatever you need to pay for a good friend, pay it. You need one.)

So that’s my letter for today. Scanty and scattered but the moral of the story is this;

I need to be kinder to myself.
I need to forgive myself sometimes
I need to agree with Daddy, a fall is not always a failure
I need to understand that sometimes a fall is not because of a failing in me.
I need to take the lemons from life…and the limes, equally well.
You know what, I need to learn to be a duck.

Lol, yes really. Water off a duck’s back etc.
(Origin: Probably related to the fact that ducks have oily feathers and water can’t get through them, so water runs off their backs. In the same way, criticism can either get through to someone and upset them, or not, like, “Water off a duck’s back.” http://www.englishclub.com)

#CDW #Day7 @ispeaknigerian