Being between jobs is good fun. For one thing, I actually get to witness the afternoon. Yes, yes it seems like a small thing, tiny in fact, but let me tell you, when you sit at a desk from morning until you are only able to can see with your headlights on, the sunshine has a certain powerful appeal.

One of my favourite things about this temporary free time is getting to listen to the daily show on 92.3 Inspiration FM. It’s hosted by this girl called Uwana and I cannot understand why it only goes on for an hour! It’s a really good show! People ring her up and weigh in on whatever issue she’s posed for the day. It’s often relationship-oriented, but there’s also a ton of social commentary on the general Nigerian consciousness, culture and our attitude on a myriad of issues. It’s worth a listen, 7-8pm on the weekdays at 92.3FM.

Two days ago, as I drove home the 92.3FM discussion centred on being taken for granted in a relationship. We, the humble listeners, soon found ourselves listening to a series of women bewailing cheating spouses. The men weighed in largely on being taken for a ride. Predictable moans from both sides of the gender divide but to say it was a Made for Thinking discussion, is an understatement. It kept me entertained through out the traffic jam to Lekki and gave me a bulging bag of thoughts to savour at home afterwards.

To believe the show’s callers is to agree that the larger portion of the Nigerian male populace is spending their time on earth as cleverly disguised, humanised versions of the species, Dog. The general consensus from most of the female callers on the show, was that Nigerian men MUST cheat, and a prudent woman would spend her time cultivating her offspring or closeted in prayer in a bid to alleviate the pain of the situation and eventually change her significant other for the better. I was getting a little concerned at the resignation the bleak situation posed, and as though the radio gods heard my silent scream, they sent Final Caller.

*Enter Final Caller*

First of, I didn’t even get her name and was already tuning out of the bleak discussion but the pain in this woman’s voice coloured her words so vividly that each letter burst iridescent unto my brain. Her pain was so heavy to my ears. She condemned the many callers who rang in to say that women in relationships or marriages with cheating spouses should resort to prayers, asking, “You tell us to pray at 23…we’re still doing the same thing at 45, do we not deserve something of our own?!” Do we not deserve joy, peace of mind, faithful love? She wanted to know. She ended her rant with a quiet, “…we owe nobody…because we own ourselves”

…and I thought, where is a Beyonce soundtrack when you really need it?!

Jokes aside, that rant made me think. Who do we owe as women? What happens when all the promises they made to us as girls don’t manifest as women? When life teaches you different lessons from your parents’? Once I heard my friend Sheriff ask, “We’ve done everything we were supposed to, why did we get a different result?” Many women feel cheated not only for being cheated on, but essentially because the reward for vulnerability, for compromise, for submission, for showing all your cards…we’ve been promised, will not to be continuous and unrelenting heartbreak. So when someone says, “Stay quiet and submissive even when your eyes bleed from a punctured heart”, all you really want to respond with is, “I owe nobody…I own myself.”

Whatever the case for the alleged inability of many men to remain faithful to their marriage commitments, I think we too often make excuses for our men. I know, I know I sound terribly naïve but I have always linked a lack of sexual diligence and commitment to a general lack of control and at the core, a lack of integrity. Of course, things happen and people make mistakes. I know that love is not a magic wand…or spinach, it doesn’t necessarily imbue an individual with superhuman strength to withstand temptation. I know this. Yet, I really wonder whether in society’s passive permission (or active encouragement in Nigeria?!) of the chronic infidelity amongst the married Nigerian masses, we are not making a crucial error. I wonder whether in letting so many men get away with this laxity to commitment, we don’t pay for our leniency in other ways. I mean, how can we hope for a nation of character, strength and truth when at the most basic level, the family space, our leaders within the home are unable to stay true to the choices they have voluntarily made?

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