The other day the fascinating Vanilla Aima (VA) and I were having an interesting discussion on accepting compliments. VA thinks, and I agree, that most women do not know how to take compliments. It appears that too many of us women need to condition our receipt of compliments with a liberal portion of excuses or justification, as though to dilute the potency of the praise. It’s as though regardless of what L’Oreal preaches, we don’t really believe we deserve the praise. Simple example:

Mary: Idara you look stunning, I love your dress!!
Idara: Oh! *Looks pleased but slightly uncomfortable* Thank you but is the bulge in my tummy not too obvious? And my hips look sort of large. And I’ve been doing the Insanity work out for two weeks now, nothing yet!

(Please note that the compliment was about the dress. The initially positive conversation is now recklessly rolling downhill, heading fast towards Pity Haven, Inhabitants: 2).

Mary: *screams* ME TOO!! My tummy is just round and hard. I’m tired!

*Two sad women now stand blinking at each other*

*Enter, two young men*

Noah: Yoooo guy this your trad too mad!
Akin: *Not even pausing for breath* Thanks bruv.
The end. *Exit stage left*

No conditions, explanations, justification or excuses. No, “Yeah my tailor does good work from time to time”. No, “You think so?” No “Yeah thanks BUT it makes my arms look sort of thin/ it doesn’t really match my shoes/ it isn’t really the right shade for the event!”

The response, pithy as it is, conveys “I look nice, I know I look nice, now you know it too and I appreciate the fact that you know what I knew anyways.“

Confidence + Self-Affirmation; essential components in the equation of honestly loving yourself.

So what is up with us, ladies? I don’t think I know even one woman who is entirely happy with her body even though I know a couple of women who should be! Well, I know some people’s bodies I might be willing to trade my younger sister for *ahem*. Anthonia and Emi, I see you both! Lol. The truth is, no matter how close to the Kardashian prototype I think a woman looks trust that if I were to compliment her I would more likely than not, receive some variant of an almost apologetic response; as though she thinks she needs to reduce herself so she doesn’t overshine or appear to ‘over-bask’ in the euphoria of her own beauty and appear conceited.

Why?

I love that Remi Ma song ‘Conceited’ as much as I love Beyonce’s ‘Ego’; if you have good reason to be proud of yourself (AND WE ALL DO!), why not be? I think it’s a real issue that so many of us are unable to affirm ourselves. I know I definitely suffer from that, but I’m one of the lucky ones because I have a solid support group to remind me that I am a wonderfully made human being, when I forget. But, why is there so little self-affirmation in many of us young women? Who taught us that this false humility, this lessening of our obvious lustre makes the world better for others? Who taught us to shrink ourselves as a tool to growing bigger, as though success is disproportionate to self-worth and confidence? How do you take-over space when you’re satisfied with being a grasshopper in giant’s land?

Why are we so afraid to own our excellence or affirm our worth?

Is it because the world beats men down so often and largely leaves them with no obvious support system, that they find affirmation within their very self first and most importantly? How come a man will make a decision and stand by it regardless of any advice he gets from anywhere else, because he is convinced within his own self?

Is it because as women we are taught to comport ourselves from childhood; what with restraining belted dresses, delicate accessories and beautiful hair bows carefully placed on our coiffed locks, that we stay cautious and shrunken even in adulthood?

Is it because the world pits us against each other consistently by hyper-sexualising the feminine form, that we elevate a tiny waist, big breasts and a shapely behind to the level of the elusive Holy Grail, drowning ourselves in this pointless search for non-existent perfection? What is a perfect body?! Remember, “Even if you are the best looking peach in the world…there will still be someone that HATES peaches.” PERFECT is subjective.

Is it because mothers (Nigerian mums are good at this) call their boys loving pet names and consistently remind these boys of their (alleged) good looks, despite the fact that reality vehemently disagrees. Same mothers will simultaneously do the opposite to these same boys’sisters, with “Who will marry you?!” being the pained cry from mother to perceived ugly daughter… who incidentally is just as ‘ugly’as Mother’s alleged ‘handsome’ son.

The potential reasons are inexhaustible but what is the cause?

On the mirror in my room, I have pinned a little postcard on which I wrote in red lipstick, “Comme le Garcons”. “Like the Boys” is a French phrase I love. It is a reminder to me that;

It is totally ok to affirm myself…like the boys.
I can own my appeal and love my confidence…like the boys.
When I look in the mirror, I should never only see my flaws but notice a lot more, the excellence in me and ignore minor imperfections…like the boys.

Comme le Garcons, women.

I’m slowly learning that it’s totally fine to exalt in my praise of myself, to see my perceived imperfections, swallow them whole and spit out joy that bubbles, frothy and rich, from the full acceptance of myself as I am. It reminds me of what the Psalmist says in Psalm 139:14, I am fearfully (with reverence, the thoughtful result of a cherished hand) and wonderfully made; no justifications or conditions necessary.

Ladies, Aaliyah had it right when she encouraged us to Rock the Boat. Let’s change the discussion on our bodies, let’s shift the paradigms on the constitution of self-worth, let us change our minds…it IS what they say we do best anyways! 😉

P.S Thanks to the Chocolate Aima aka CA, (the other amazing Aima in my life) and Emi (whose figure I envy *ahem*) for our discussion on Saturday, it led to this post. I’m grateful for you two. ☺