“I write because I do not know what I think until I write what I say.”
-Flannery O’Connor

At age five, my nursery school class was called ‘Busy Bee’. With the first three classes also named after insects; Ladybird, Bumble Bee and Honey Bee, the final of the four bugs was reserved to label the ‘mature’ children. The adjective ‘Busy’ carefully placed before the generic ‘Bee’ assumedly to highlight to our unsuspecting parents our assiduousness and enhanced capacity for facing the challenging world of…Primary One. Lol.

In Busy Bee, I had a friend called Habib. One day, during Bible Studies class our teacher was completing her rendition of the creation story when Habib interrupted her with a puzzled frown puckering his handsome caramel face, “…but who made God?!” He asked seriously; as though Teacher’s entire tale was a sickle-shaped question mark and his question that lone full stop indicating completeness. I can never forget Teacher’s eloquent response:

“Never ask that again!! It’s only the devil that makes you ask that sort of question!” Our terrified five year old faces probably assured her of compliance, because she casually continued her tale.

And for ages, I never echoed Habib in wondering who created God.

And then I grew up, grew curious and stopped being afraid of the devil or believing in his ability to make me do (or ask!) anything.

And then the questions wouldn’t stop.

Good Christians, look away now. Doubting Thomases, and characters in general, welcome! (Please take off your shoes at my mind’s door; I don’t want a dirty mind).

-What do I NOT understand about God?
-What do I find questionable about my faith?
-Why are Christians so afraid to ask and be asked ‘deep’ questions?
-If God is as big as we claim, why are we so scared His skin isn’t tough enough to handle certain queries?
-Why are believers (in any religion) so protective of God?
-Are we afraid that God can’t protect His reputation… or answer our deeper, more painful, sharper questions?
-Why would we rather shelter ourselves under the blanket of ignorance when even the Bible says, “…my people perish for a lack of knowledge”?
-Do we fear that perhaps if people ask us these clever questions about God, we might find along with them that God does not exist…we just need to believe He does?

Recently, I’ve been suffering through a crisis of faith and the questions and doubt seemed to increase in inverse proportion to my faith. My questions soon led me to question God’s very existence. For some, any questioning of faith or expression of doubt evinces a betrayal; a shameful disbelief reflecting a total lack of trust and understanding. Perhaps. Probably. Yet at the same time, isn’t it possible that only by shedding the layers surrounding our beliefs and exposing the bare bones to the light are we able to truly distil, examine and analyse? Maybe, one’s faith might even be strengthened if it survives such a test!

And so I took a methodological approach to try and understand my Faith. [Igor, hand me my lab coat!].

STEP 1:
I began with considering all the questions on God, faith and Christianity that had been plaguing me. I would love to say I answered all these questions during my search, but I didn’t. So my first step after failing to find satisfactory answers was to admit to myself that the atheists might be right; God might not exist.

STEP 2:
It occurred to me that the decision as to whether God exists or not is really a personal choice to make. I’ve always believed that in addition to a physical realm, an additional, spiritual world exists. Why? There are too many coincidences in the way the world in its entirety is knitted, and my life in particular is construed, for me to believe that life is merely a series of coincidences or pure luck. There just seems to be a little bit more at work. God? Buddah? The Universe? Who knows? I think if you choose to believe that these coincidences are more than they appear, then you do believe that a higher spiritual being does exist.

STEP 3:
So I agree that there exists, some supernatural, spiritual force in the universe that’s more than luck or coincidence? Yes. Now, I’m left with so many choices because there are different beliefs or expressions of this supernatural force. Actually, everything but Atheism is left on the multiple-choice sheet now.

Of course, the most obvious option is to decide to become an Agnostic. Agnosticism’s appeal is in its obvious reasonableness and pragmatism. But if I do admit that there IS Something, isn’t it sheer mental laziness (and potentially dangerous), to not engage this Something? Or get Him/Her on my side?

So I considered the other religions. There’s of course Christianity (the religion I was raised with…and maybe running from). Islam is a favourite for its simplicity and clarity (fewer intellectual leaps solely on grounds of faith). Buddhism follows closely in third place with a gleaming silver medallion of faith for its focus on goodness and restrained liberalism. A ton of other religions were considered in addition, but I was getting into murky depths and decided to give up due to the sheer similarity between some religions…and apparent ridiculousness of others.

STEP 4:
I had my top 3 contenders; Christianity by default, Islam for its intellectual pragmatism and Buddhism for its simplistic goodness. Now, I thought about what I wanted a God to be; loving, loyal, full of integrity and kindness. Yet I know myself, without some form of discipline I don’t have the ability to remain focused, so I’d like a firm God with possibly consequences to make sure lessons are learnt and character is built. BUT only on the condition that this strictness and justice is tempered with mercy, A LOT of love and grace lest I be treated as I deserve (no one wants that).

Islam was crossed off the list.

STEP FIVE:
I think for me to respect my God, I’d need Him to be a little awe-inspiring, exist a little higher than the human mental plane. If I can explain away all His actions logically, there is no real hold for me; He might as well be human. Buddhism is full of wisdom but there’s a base humanity and a simple morality there that subtracts the mysticism and awesomeness of an almighty and omnipresent God.

I let go of Buddhism.

STEP SIX:
Perhaps the exercise was entirely cyclical and designed to bring me right back to Christianity. Perhaps. It still took me WEEKS to get to this point of understanding.

Christianity is a choice.

I like being a Christian, because even though I don’t always understand God, I respect His decisions. I respect His decisions because I know His mind works NOTHING LIKE OURS. I wondered, “…how can we say God is good when so many little children get abused everyday and if He is all powerful then He can stop it…but He doesn’t?!” I honestly don’t know. It seems unfair but at the same time when I think about God, His nature seems strangely contradictory. God can destroy a man, kill his children, deplete his wealth simply to draw the man closer to Himself as though the only true purpose of living is to find and know God. See the story of Job, after all his many troubles he got that God’s Sense. A man who had lost 10 children in a day and decades’ worth of wealth told God, “I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes!” (Job 42:5).

God will destroy a whole empire just to get one person to repent and turn back to Him; in the search for one soul, thousands can perish. See God’s continuous love for the Israelites and His wiping out of the initial (and possibly innocent) inhabitants of the Promised Land just for the sin-loving Israelites. The contradiction is mind-boggling; that blinding love that ensures that God can do anything to bring those He loves to a deeper understanding of him only makes sense if you realise that the things we place great value in; money, achievements, even life itself mean nothing to God. Everything we experience is to get is to turn to God. Sometimes, we even experience suffering in order to be a light to draw someone else to God years later. It’s mental when you think on it!

My soul-search did give me one answer, I realised that I am not powerless. Although I don’t understand God’s motives or actions, I can make an informed decision to follow God or not. And so I decided to do this; CHOOSE.

CHOOSE to trust despite my confusion and the conflicting faith/common sense debate.
CHOOSE to give up my right to entertain only intellectually reasoned options.
CHOOSE to remember that God never promised an easy life, He only promised He’d be there regardless of the problem (and that’s one promise I can honestly say He has always been true to).
CHOOSE to surrender to God along despite the many contradictions.
CHOOSE to believe in God.
CHOOSE faith.

“I will bring that group through the fire and make them pure.
I will refine them like silver
 and purify them like gold.
They will call on my name,and I will answer them.
I will say, ‘These are my people,’and they will say,‘The Lord is our God.’”
-Zechariah 13:9