It appears that since I made this mental leap of faith, this decision to pursue a new career, Doubt and I have become homies. In my waking moments I am mired by Doubt, it is a new, foreign yet familiar, breathing and living presence that is like nothing I have ever felt before. I oscillate between being quite sure and very afraid. And yes, I understand that the words ‘quite sure’ have an oxymoronic ring, yet I have no better way to describe my assurance.
This morning, I was particularly shaky thanks to a warning text from my dad and a chat with my aunty G both asking me to please have a think and reconsider my plans. In my random morning musings, I found myself on Paolo Coehlo’s blog, and spotted the prayer below. It really spoke to my heart and reminded me that God is ever present.
“My Prayer” by Paolo Coelho
Lord, protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers that exist to one question. And in order for this to be possible…
Lord, protect our decisions, because making Decisions is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another. May our YES always be a YES, and NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse. And in order for this to be possible…
Lord, protect our actions, because Action is way of praying. May our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and Action, share a little of the love we receive. And in order for this to be possible…
Lord, protect our dreams, because to Dream is a way of praying. Make sure that, regardless of our age or our circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of hope and perseverance. And in order for this to be possible…
Lord, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heavens and to Earth, to grown-ups, and to children; it is what tells us that our desires are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing. And in order for this to be possible…
Lord, protect us, because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company, and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and feel enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory.
Amen.”
I must say that what I have found the most interesting in this season, is what I think of as God’s love letters to me.
Love letter;
-noun
1. a personal letter to a loved one expressing affection
Every single time that I have had a panic attack, which tends to happen whenever I sit down and meditate on the crazy move I am plotting, God just silently slips something or someone (yay, sibilance!) into my life with a solution! It’s totally crazy; I get the encouragement, solution, direction or wisdom I need at the perfect time I need it. It feels like a nudge in the right direction, a pom-pom of support waved my way, a personal letter to one that is loved, expressing affection. More than anything, it feels like God saying, “I’m right here, for as long as you want me to be.”
http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2013/05/13/a-prayer/
Photo credit: the amazing Satorialst. http://www.thesatorialist.com. I love the patterns on patterns…on patterns in the photo. Seamless style, clash-free. 🙂
Oh Wendelyn! 