I’m learning that prayer is not really what I thought it was; a rant or demand-list of sorts, full of woes, litanies, needs and complaints. I am learning that prayer apparently is a two-way discussion *gasps*. Who knew?!! Lol. For real though, who knew?! I always thought of prayer time as supplication time; as the time where we’d kneel before God’s throne, Oliver Twist bowl out and all, begging God to drop our heart’s desires into said bowl.

So get this, when we pray we are expected to be quiet and meditate. *insert blank look here*. I mean, there are different types of prayers so don’t take my word for it. But I am learning a new style of prayer; the not-consistently-asking type. I’m learning to take time to think about what I’m asking for, to commune with God, to ask Him what He would have me do concerning X problem or Y issue. I ask Him about His future plan for me. And surprisingly, I stop and listen for answers. Tempted as I am to throw everything at His feet and march out of His presence, I am trying to learn to just sit silent. To think and talk WITH God, not AT Him. The phrase “Tarry in His presence” common in the bible, is beginning to make sense. There is something William McDowell says that in the song ‘In’ that I really like. He says the reward for worship is God’s presence. That is it. As we worship God, we might receive healing or answers or strength or peace but these are all by-products of His presence. The reward for worship is that God brings Himself to our midst. He gives us, shows us Himself. But many of us miss that when we pray. We reel and run. No, I need to wait right here until you come, until you give me your presence inside of which I will find an answer to my question or peace about a non-answer.

I’ve been trying this for the last two or three weeks. It’s not that easy and it takes a bit more time to remove distractions and really pray. It takes a while to un-train yourself from the traditional ‘Jesus Rant’, but you can do it. In the middle of asking, stop and give yourself a few minutes of peace…it is a great way to begin any day.

Here’s what I got from my worship today. Dreams are buried in the heart of God and birthed in Him. My mum rang me yesterday to speak further about my proposed career change (See post titled ‘Plan A’). After saying her bit, she lamented aloud, “I wonder why my children don’t have a spirit of contentment” and that just broke my heart. It impacted because I agreed with her, I honestly wish I had a spirit That could be satisfied with a 9-5 job, with being in the system, with walking and growing with dedication and loyalty in one place or industry. But I don’t. And while I was praying it came to me; I don’t have a spirit of settlement, of contentment in one place. I do not. And I am not supposed to.

I wasn’t made to and you know what, that is okay.

The way I see it, when there is a void on earth there is a need for someone to fill it. Someone is created with the mandate and the destiny of subduing that bit of the earth with a talent that she’s been equipped with, for that purpose.

Ergo, there is something I was created to do and this is why I will have a spirit of uncontentment in anything else until I settle to that which I was created for. It is in owning my truth and living in this truth that I truly live the life I was created to live. More than that, I am beginning to think that that daily work, that daily walk in my destiny is my worship to God. It is my thanksgiving for the way He has created me, for what He has given me.

It is amazing that since I took this leap of faith by deciding to change careers, I mean it’s still in the earliest planning stages, doors, goodness and opportunities have opened up for me. One thing I was very concerned about was breaking the news to my parents; to people who have sacrificed every dream and curtailed many ambitions so that I may be a successful lawyer. I was really anxious about telling them…but the reaction when I told them, was not as bad as I feared.

I understand that as a grown-up what you’re really asking your parents for when you tell them about a plan, is their blessing not so much their permission. But here’s the thing, I respect and value my parents not merely as my parents but also as my friends; as people rich and full of wisdom and experience, as people for whom my best interest is the ultimate goal. More than that, it would break my heart to make them unhappy and anxious and leaving a secure, professional career for which they have sacrificed many of their life’s hopes for me to have, does that. I said as much to them and I was comforted by their response; it was all love. They assured me that I would never disappoint them because their only desire is for me to be happy. They confirmed that their reservations are simply because they most desire to see me protected, taken-care of and secure…but above all else, they assured me of their abiding love, regardless.

I love my parents.