A friend of mine left the firm last week, Friday was his last day. He’s gone on to deeper, richer (literally), more verdant legal soil. We were sad to see him go. He’s been with the firm for over four years so his loss was impactful; many were hit. On his final day, we had a little farewell session dedicated to him at the weekly office meeting. People said such kind and genuine things about him; his character, his dedication to his faith being evident in every single thing he did (he is a Muslim), his thoroughness at work and his abiding kindness. It was intense. It was emotive. I wanted to cry. He cried. And his crying made me want to cry even more! Lol.

While he cried, I felt a myriad of emotions. I was very humbled and touched by his tears. I was also a little embarrassed and quite scandalized to see a man cry. Not just any man, this guy is a guy’s guy; a man. I thought back on it and wondered to myself, why was I scandalized? Why was I embarrassed? I sat next to him at the meeting and was the first to see the tears fall and I immediately turned away. It just seemed shaming and weirdly humbling to see a man cry. I felt immediately, like I HAD to respect him and give him his space to be, that I had to look away immediately.

That gave me pause. If I had seen a woman in the exact same position, my instinct would have been to reach out and touch her arm, or hold her hand, or pat her back, or if I knew her well, perhaps engulf her in a hug and let her cry it out. But for a man, I look away; I distance myself from his pain and let him handle himself. It just made think. Our men have it hard. We often hear the ‘Be a man!’ style platitudes. What the hell does that even mean?! Is there one book on manhood for all men in the world to read?!? A national conference where a league of Extraordinarily Real Men determine the trends of Manliness for the coming year? I thought to myself, this man is feeling the same emotions any one in his situation would feel, man or woman. Essentially at the base, we are the same; forget that we sometimes process certain types of information differently (e.g. “When I asked if these jeans make me look fat, your “youre beautiful the way you are” meant I’m ugly and round!!” Women! You’ve got to love our irrational rationality. Lol!).

At the base, the joy, pain, hurt, love, wholesomeness, peace and so on, these emotions that we feel are not gender specific, so why are we so insistent in our expectations of reactions from the sexes? Why am I allowed to wail when I am hurt but men my age, similar background, the same outlook on life and so on, are expected to internalize their pain and present a stoic front consistently?

I guess that’s life. We all have our own struggles. I just feel sad for men though and I wonder what damage we might be causing to the psyche of our men. This is perhaps why it is so important to be good support systems to the men we’re surrounded by. If you’re lucky enough to have brothers and friends that confide in you, as a woman, you should really try to build them up. Don’t join the world in berating and barraging…much as they might deserve. I don’t suffer foolishness easily but I do try to suffer ‘fools’ I love WITH love. A Nigerian proverb says, “When you beat a child with one hand, you should pull him closer with the other.” I think that’s the trick; temper honesty with kindness, and don’t erode their self-belief, the world does enough of that already! It becomes even more necessary to remember this, when we marry good men. I think as women, they need us to be that cheerleader, handholder, youcancryhere-er. Lol. And yes, most times I imagine it is beyond hard but that’s what God has called us to be for them; a support system, a motivator, a healer when the heart is torn and spirit broken.

How heavy must be the burden most men carry! From childhood, they’re constantly told ‘Man-up!’, ‘Don’t cry!’ and so on…you can imagine by the age of 30, how much hurt is internalized. God help us. Women have a whole network of girlfriends who we feel totally comfortable baring our souls to and expecting wisdom and comfort. I feel like men don’t have that same room. We should commend more of our men for being sane and morally upright. I can imagine how much of a battle each day can be if you internalize a lot of your emotions. I’ve tried, it’s hard.

Nigeria is even funnier about this, because so much of what we use to determine the value of a man is faulty! Our society seems to equate manliness with the ability to provide, only. A man is a man by virtue of who he is, never what he owns or what he can buy! Additionally, self-control and restraint, self-discipline, are the variables that ought to be considered as constituting ‘manliness’. Diligence, commitment to the things you promise to do and for me, reliability and integrity, these are the things that make a man a man. Crying publicly, or the ability to spend, or success in conquering women, or even being able to ‘control your wife’ (read: control by physical, emotional or verbal abuse), these things are not the real determinants of manliness. It’s what is underneath your obvious facade that counts. Who are you when you’re alone…and perhaps more importantly, do you like who you are when you’re alone?

Funniest thing is that despite the Nigerian idea of manliness conforming to the stereotype of the alpha male, typical Nigerian men are strangely almost too comfortable in their sexuality. I see a lot of grown men walking together and holding hands, hugging closely and things of that nature. Yet, the concept of homosexuality seems so foreign to most of these people and were I to suggest that perhaps their actions are undertaken with a more sexual intent, they would look at me scandalised at the thought. Lol. The number of super-macho male pairs I have seen walking about, attached to each other by nothing but their pinkie fingers…..Lol. And they are serious! They are fully heterosexual yet find nothing weird in holding hands with their friend as they chat. There are so many contrasting ideas of masculinity that exist, it’s interesting to see.

Men! I love men; nuanced, deep, funny, interesting, beautiful, complex, worthy creatures. A colleague from work came to my friend’s party with me last weekend and afterwards she messaged me saying, “ALL your male friends are amazing, truly! So good-natured, gentlemanly and kind.” When people say that there are no good men around, I never believe it. Like good women, great men abound. To those men working hard to be good and faithful stewards of all that God has given you, despite the difficult world you live in, I celebrate you. You are truly worthy of respect. *Raises champagne flute*.

BTW: I know, I know, totally gratuitous picture of Idris Elba. Lol…FYI equally gratuitious picture of the equally yummy Ryan Gosling to follow. Thank Me Later. #NoDrake.